Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

always, you are so good girl!

Just remember, you can go to all the MC you want, but until you make H feel safe, you will get nowhere. You can expect no progress from him, because technically you're not trying either...to at the very least make him feel safe in his own home and M. He feels like he's walking a minefield...and to top it off he made a huge mistake....so if you flip about smaller things, how is he to expect that you aren't going to constantly lose it over his A.

Have you been in my kitchen and bathrooms, where H and I have these fights/discussions? H has stated constanly lately that I am not a safe place, that 'anything i do doesn't matter', that he starts each day back at zero having to prove himself to me, that he doesn't feel like a valid human in his own home. And I am confounded, b/c there is some validity to what he says, but I feel so ill-equipped to change how I react or act. I wish I had a personal coach in a secret earphone telling me what to say when, you know?

It's not the A specifically so much anymore, as much as what I feel I'm not 'getting' or what he's not 'giving'. But he made the -sadly accurate- point that I'm not changing/making the effort because I'm WAITING to see if it's safe for ME to go the the deep end. And until I'm reassured, I won't step in and get in the deep part. Since November, H is not exactly in the deep end, but he is definitely wading chest-high compared to where he was pre-A and during A. I again, feel emotionally retarded and unsure how to effect a change in myself.

The MC gave us an assignment to do 5 surprises for each other, and I am frankly BLANK as to what to do for H. How sad is that? I'm married to the man, should KNOW him and his needs, and cannot figure out what he would want and appeciate as a relational surprise. Not supposed to be gifts or anything that you purchase, really. Any suggestions, ideas would be SO appreciated.

We don't see her again until the 10th since she's out of town this week. So I have more time than usual to figure something out. I am usually really creative, but I'm worn down in this R and need to pep myself up to engage in it. Again, I'm so handicapped at engaging in an R, I feel so debilitated.

As an aside, I re-read what I wrote about feeling 'debilitated', 'ill-equipped' etc, and want to clarify that I'm not beating myself up with negative self-talk (or at least that is not what I see here) but that I really do not have the relational skills (never saw it modelled, etc. with crazy old Hollywood as my guide for 'normal', since my abusive home was most definitely not the norm). Just wanted to point that out in case someone was going to jump on my wording here (and you still may, that's fine).

Anyway, I (OF COURSE, what a shock!) must go back to nap as I'm scheduled to work tonight. Shifting between days and night shifts is really no good. I'm pooping out physically and mentally. H has taken the kids to the pool and I am feeling left out of the fun (b/c that's another one of my HUGE issues from childhood to this day: being/feeling left out)

Thanks again for hanging out with me, ya'll. I appreciate you.