Hi Believing....wow, what a crazy work schedule you have here.
OK....a few things....you need to push the STOP button on the crazy machine. I can be harsh here b/c I have one too, and it's NOT OK to live in that. I too learned it from home, where we were overly-"expressive" in our emotions...as Betsey once stated, almost abusive, then we all went back to normal, kissy-kissy. NOT.
Make undoing this your first priority. When I did this, it worked for me. Within months, H said that he actually felt SAFE talking to me....you know what a compliment that was? He has a really traumatic reaction to angry folks, and I didn't help at all. Of course, after finding out the A, I slid back a LOT that night and raged, but then got over it (pretty quick for a person who was just told that their H slept with someone and was still hiding things). Just remember, you can go to all the MC you want, but until you make H feel safe, you will get nowhere. You can expect no progress from him, because technically you're not trying either...to at the very least make him feel safe in his own home and M. He feels like he's walking a minefield...and to top it off he made a huge mistake....so if you flip about smaller things, how is he to expect that you aren't going to constantly lose it over his A.
At some point you really need to work on putting this behind you. The A happened....so did a LOT of things you did in the M (and we need to get BACK to this, again and again....your anger is one of these things). You both made mistakes....you have an H that wants to work it out. This will only work if you can forgive this, and try to forget it. By that I don't mean trying to induce amnesia, but rather in a way a friend told me to consider it..."make sure that you have forgiven and forgotten to a point that you KNOW that 20 years from now, when you have the WORST fight of your life, you WILL NOT bring this up." Well said, and a good goal. I suspect, like me, you have a nasty habit of throwing things in H's face. Second goal for you, stop that. He has a brain and a memory, he is guilty, he doesn't need you to remind him of his transgressions.
Another small goal....what are his LL's? If you're particularly negative, stick with your goal of saying positive things....most of all, why not also start complimenting him on small things...thanking him. This really worked for me. It meant a lot to H, who initially thought it was fake (so would I). Then it becmoes habit. You said that H lost his job over this....likely he's feeling crappy right now, so give a little boost. Why, b/c at one point he was a swell guy, and you can be that now.
I also think that your anger comes from feeling hugely betrayed...and you were. A few words about that. First, a good passage that I read in reading yesterday said that you can overcome huge pain simply by stopping feeding it. Stop focusing on it...little by little, and it will get less. The more you feed it, the more intense it gets. The bigger of an issue it is. Easier said than done. Get your anger out, process it, but you're getting stuck at anger and feeling betrayed. You now need to move to understanding it, accepting it, and letting go. Write more about your understanding of H and why he did this...what it came from, what were the issues in your M. This brings me to the second point on anger....you are feeling intense anger because you feel so uniformly wronger...just YOU in pain....when you start to fall into this spiral, start to temper it with thoughts of things YOU did in the M that hurt H. This is the only way I find any compassion through this mess. Think of times H was patient with you, waiting for a real M (you said this once). This helps you to see it took 2 to bring this down, 2 people with their share of mistakse and need for forgiveness. Has H even approached HIS anger about the M? Thats where my H is now. It's there. I'm not saying it's all your fault, but it wasn't all H's either. I know you never imagined this happening to you, but you BOTH imagined a better M that you had.
About the bed thing. Make it light....not about talking, not about expecting. The part of the day I loved most with H when we were "happily" married was going to bed. We just cuddled and laughed and laughed. Joked and laughed. Then went to bed. It was nice. Try this. H won't feel that he has to have sex, nor will be feel pressured to talk only to have you start a fight.
ABout centering yourself. First is the positive self-talk. Praise yourself for dealing with such a hard time so well. For still being married and for having self-awareness and desire to change. For going back to work and supporting your family and being a great mom AND W. You are wonderful. Believe that and act on it. Next, envision yourself as a woman with lots of grace and compassion, act it. Just think of all the things you want to be as a woman and start being those things. It's actually kinda easy. Next, the best thing I learned about centering was ENJOY THE MOMENT. Always. At work, at home, with friends, driving, doing chores, with H. Stop worrying, think less about the future uncertainty and past pain, and just enjoy the moment. Share a laugh, a touch a good talk and be thankful for that moment and live it, fully.
I know I might have sounded harsh here, and it probably is...but I care for you and want to see you move past your issues and traits to a better M and partner. I also understand, all too well, your issues, b/c I AM THE SAME. But you can do this.
Now, tell us what YOUR homework from counseling was.... What are your goals for yourself? How are you monitoring that? When you come back here, tell us of the times that you did things RIGHT. Small things you did to change...compliments, a time when you would have picked a fight but let it go... Now, I'll ask again...dig deep and what were the issues in your M that were YOU. Really think about this, your behaviors, outlook, etc.
Less time thinking of the A, and more time about YOU. The A is over, but your M is still alive and the only way it will thrive is if you change things in YOU (and H changes things in HIM) that made the mess in the first place.
