Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Once again, c'est moi, but I can only pop in again for a few minutes as I have to be up at 5am to work the rest of the week.

Had a particularly difficult weekend, I actually packed a bag and left the house intending to stay away a few days to clear my head. Went to a friend's house (her H had an A and they reconciled, so she's familiar with the torture of the process), and sat up talking til about 1am and then I said, "I have to go, I can't have my kids waking up w/out me there and wondering where mommy is" and went home and sat up talking with H until about 3am. We have an MC appt on Thurs, and may discuss with her turning it into IC appts. for each of us for a while and then back to MC later. We'll get her input on the weekend's events, discussions since, and her perspective about it. My.

Such a difficult freakin' process, ya'll. Made no less difficult by my swinging emotions. I was thinking about it, I grew up in a house where if you were mad or upset, you DID something about it: yelled, hit something (or someone), etc. So, I have apparently taken this with me; it's hard for me to suppress my emotional reactions, to -in the moment- back up and see the big picture and act accordingly.

We had a really honest and good discussion last night about things -not the A specifically, but our interactions, and H's increasingly changing mental status - he's been diagnosed with adult ADD and on meds for years, but it's gotten worse and after some research we're wondering if it's a really high-functioning Autism (tactile, noise issues, lots of stuff I won't go into here), and of course as it's 'progressed' it's interfered with our relationship and how we interact. Our talk was good, but as H said, the next time we have an argument or conflict, this level-headed person that is me now, will leave the building and the defensive, missile-lobbing, wants-to-run-away chick will re-emerge.

SO. Fun times, eh? Things are actually decent right now, considering the recent emotional carnage, and me not being a 'safe place' for H. So I keep sabotaging the R with my frequent trips to Crazy, population: 1. Back to square one-ish, and I hope to hold on to some semblance of sanity for a bit while I figure this out, and treat H better.

And for about 5 hours on Sat. night, H thought I was gone for good and trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life. Not my intent for him to feel that floor-out-from-under-you panic, but he did at least get a small idea what it was like for me in Dec when he was deadset to leave me. I told him that, but again that it was NOT my intention and I wouldn't EVER want ANYONE feeling remotely like I did those 2 months. ugh.

Then I read threads of people like GH/PL/A14/NM/MamaB and feel like a LOSER , b/c you guys can hold it together in the face of such inner turmoil at times, and I so far have not (except in the actual crisis of the A, ironically).

There's my latest Jones for drama in a nutshell. SO going to be working on getting off the crazy-making machine. That's step ONE in my 180 plan: Stop over-reacting wherever possible, and also to stop making NEGATIVE comments in general. (i.e. talking about what GOOD happened today instead of something bad that happened right off the bat in the conversation). Simple. Two things. Starting small so I don't overwhelm myself.