Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Hi guys, thanks so much for your insight/encouragement. I was trying to back up and get you all to where we are, hence the journal entries b/c I didn't have time to recreate the wheel post-wise (For posting purposes, I wish I had a desk job with internet access, but instead I'm running like a refugee for 12 hours at a time thru the hospital!)

H & I are in MC, and still butting heads in our R - this is mostly my fault; my fear-filled, self-protective fault that throws up my defenses. As I told our C yesterday, I read every book I can get my hands on and grasp the theories, but find I can't put feet to my thoughts. I can't/don't/won't walk the walk, you know?

Anyway, I really want to post more (and have time to REFLECT and really THINK hard thoughts more) but I'm working like a hostage for the next week, so I'm hoping for a slow weekend at work where I can think and form ideas that I want to post here. I hope you know I'm not trying to deflect, I was posting my journal entries from when I time to THINK about stuff more. Right now I'm reacting more than I'd like b/c I haven't been able to get my $hit in a pile and form/re-commit to a game plan in my heart, if that makes sense. That's made for some crappy discussions, and major frustration on H's part, and I have to keep running to work which is exhausting.

Yes, I am amazed some days about where we were in Dec/Jan and where we are today. When I reflect on that, it's not too short of astounding. And I find myself not trusting it; some other poster (can't remember who) posted something that hit me:

I also have this hidden fear that one day he'll just say "you know, this isn't just working, I tried but I don't feel anything"

And that keeps me in don't-be-vunerable mode (not like i need a lot of help to stay there, no arm twisting needed here). And I keep thinking, 'if I could just jump in feet first and quit just putting a toe in the water, and not worry about if he leaves or not...no matter what, an effort like that would NOT be time wasted' ...but again, I can't seem to find a way to put feet to my thoughts.

So that's a quick recap of where we are, without enough introspection I realize. Just again want to thank all who keep following, and I hope to give you more to chew on as I am able. I seem to need big chunks of time to be introspective and form the words around what I discover, and those chunks of time are not happening enough yet. groan.