My stretch of night shifts is over, and not a one was slow. Insensitive sick people, trying to crash on me and making me work HARD! But no one had a celestial discharge on my watch, so that is good! Not so good: I didn't get a chance to sit down and write out some thoughts for the BB. But I was reading thru my journal the other day, and thought some of the entries in there over the months could be insightful (or not?) for here.
From January 2006 (during the email affair, after the EA/PA, and H lost his job b/c of it). Various entries below, any italics is me clarifying stuff:
January 14th: Guard me against the flaming arrows of the enemy - deception, discouragement, pain & guilt that is undeserved. Give me Godly sorrow for my sins & true repentance. Therefore there is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus. He who is IN ME (and in H) is greater than he who is in the world. Help me cling to that when I cannot see out of this. Like NOW. There is basic pornography being elevated in this house (the sex-filled emails between them each night) and continued betrayal against our marriage vows before God. What am I supposed to DO with that, Lord? Take it? ...H doesn't want to hold MY hand during this. I promised FOREVER to what lies ahead, but this? Continuing IN MY HOME, since his promise has ended, regardless of vows made. I'm at fault too, but NOT for continued sin. You are holding on to me, or I would have surely changed the locks by now. Every time I get to the breaking point, you pull it back from utter ruin. Is that YOU, Lord, or the devil's deception to keep me taking this CRAP in my own house, under the SAME ROOF my children sleep in? Where is the man I married who couldn't get enough of me and now is FULL OF $HIT? Something to DO?! (he emailed OW that sex with me was 'awkward' and 'something to do') WTF, God; am I supposed to take that? LIES, LIES, LIES, God. Help me rise above the LIES in my home. Where is the balance? Supportive wife in the face of this mess? Or COMPLETE AND TOTAL IDIOT? Your hammer is coming down Lord.l..Do I run to get out of the way? Or stay here b/c I'm MARRIED TO IT? Guide my steps, please. Confusion is of the devil and I fall into confusion over this. True repentance would not knowingly continue to sin against God, would it? You can still be struggling and STOP IT anyway. Double life. Want to run away from it...Give me YOUR wisdom here, please.
January 16th: Nuggets today (what were little 'encouragements' from God during this time)~ Another spy-free day and God continues to mend my heart from pain of the details. Counseling went well. I defended H (unrelated to the A) and he apppreciated it. I slept on the sofa from 4am on, yet H asked me not to. We stopped for gas on the way to counseling, and H was pumping the gas ~ I could see his reflection in my side-view mirror & then noticed the printing on the mirror: "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear." It made me smile. Thank you Lord for what we don't see. That a slow work is still a work. That you are FOR us, so who can be against us? Keep bringing your Truth and illuminating the dark with it. Behold - he makes ALL THINGS NEW.
January 19th, Hell on earth: Who AM I really? Do I trust God to work it for good Romans 8:28, or not? I am NOT about being a fraud. I AM about being an emotional-idiot-stressball. I am NOT evil. I am NOT out to screw or be screwed (H's words, during his discovery that I turned him in to his boss). I pray against that mentality daily. Is God for me? I am unworthy, but not as fcuked up as H would believe me to be. Yes, he knows a lot of my deepest places, but not the intent of my heart - he has been SO incorrect on that issue. So what does that tell me? What/Who do I believe about myself? How do I stand up underneath this load and say 'thank you, sir, may I have another'? Who among us WOULDN'T crack? OMG, it's so much, and I'm expected to EAT IT. daily. WTF?
January 20th: A new day. His mercies are new every morning. We are fallen & broken & riddled with sin and STILL he makes all things new. I let go of all I've been pushing down, and it's new and unfamiliar - my old habits and reactions are familiar and rise up strong against the new, which hasn't found its strong foothold in me. Yet. I pray on the shield of faith so that I may defend myself against the flaming arrows of the evil one. So much hurt and rage on both sides of this bed ~ how can God work this for good? Will He? Does He want to? I can't get a handle on God's will here, it's like chasing a greased pig. I continue to be confused by the timing of His sword to my heart about 12 hours before I found out about OW, I got completely convicted to work on the state of my marriage. the irony. ~ talk about 'shaking my fist in the dark' <==(lyrics from Nichole Nordeman) Seems were always blowing/whatever we've got going/seems as though with all we've got/we haven't got a prayer "Just Once" on the radio alarm clock a minute ago. Scary appropriate. How ironic that I have laid it down and am still making grave errors. What is THAT about? I am not here in a vacuum either. ('what that's about' is that I hadn't laid it down completely. still haven't, really)
January 24th: the day H broke it off with OW 1John2:17 The world and it's desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
Now God can work.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
