Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

I have not run away in the face of adversity, really. It's just so much to process and I have a sick kid (D had it last week, now S). I can think of a few issues, A14, to answer quickly in order to give you guys something to chew on.

I come from an abusive home (physically by one stepfather, sexually by another, and my mother didn't protect me). So, that's a whole pot of worms but let me address a few things that fermented in me from that time.

A) Men in authority obviously were not people I respected, and I felt I needed to always protect myself, trust no one, and had no clue obviously what a decent adult R/M looks like.

B) That segues into my apparent 'competition' in Rs. Yeah, I worship you in the beginning, as long as you worship me too, and then it gets tricky. I tend to want to 'win', not ever admit wrong, or God-forbid really be vunerable, or emotionally intimate. (although as you all know, physical intimacy is just fine thank you. I guess my way of feeling validated, as that's how so many people always showed interest in me. Physically. I modeled and did pageants, and all that kind of stuff for 'surface' approval as well) Then there's the whole sarcasm issue, or veiled verbal daggers in lieu of outright disrespect. Just non-supportive; more to falsely elevate myself to feel better. Because somehow if H was fabulous and wonderful, then I couldn't be? something convoluted like that. don't have it all worked out in my head as to what exactly was going on, obviously.

C) Everytime H pursued this type of R ("real", "let's strip bare and come clean" were some of the scary-to-me words he used), it was so dang FOREIGN to me, I felt like he was asking me to hand him my pancreas. I'd do/say something to appease him, or in general avoid it, and then go back to my surface status quo. b/c I didn't frankly know what the hell he was talking about.

Well, there's some fodder about my FOO and M to start. Discuss.