Some good insights there from Grasshopper. I’ve noticed that much of your self-talk is negative, you beat yourself up constantly, and often those of us who are so hard on ourselves are also unwittingly hard and have unreasonably high expectations of those around us. In the past few days you’ve said several times that ‘I suck’, ‘I cannot move past this’ etc – and saying those things to yourself makes them so.
You can change the way you talk to yourself by making a decision to. Rather than saying to yourself “I suck” say something like “this is a challenge for me and I’m learning how to deal with it better” – rather than saying “I cannot move past this” say “this is an experience I am learning from and it’s taking me longer than I expected, but God has a plan and I trust that I am in the place he wants me to be”. Rather than giving yourself evidence that you don’t have the skills to be in a loving committed relationship …
Quote: It's funny how the things people like about me in public (enthusiasm/passion/fun, etc) doesn't translate well into my M b/c some of it is a masquerading dance that doesn't work well in deeper-than-surface M
… tell yourself “I am passionate and enthusiastic about becoming the wife I want to be and my husband deserves, I’m excited about the next part of my journey where I will learn to experience a deeper level of commitment than I have so far known.”
It’s easy and it’s so powerful. I’ve gained significant insights into how I contribute to the things that go right and wrong in my life throughout my separation and divorce drama. One of the good authors on how to change the way you think is Louise Hay. Her book ‘You can Heal your life” is compelling reading. She has a simple philosophy that what we give out, we get back. She thinks that everyone is responsible for every experience in their lives and every thought we think is creating our future.
One of the things that I think you really need to do is to forgive yourself for what you perceived you did to contribute to this. Forgiving yourself is as important as forgiving your H and it’s easy to do. There’s lots of stuff on forgiveness in your marriage saving books.
I like your friends analogy about feeding the black dog. There is an American Indian saying that “where attention goes, energy flows” – take your attention away from what is wrong, and assert it on something that is right – your energy will flow there.
Take care
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
