Hey BI! Sorry about the bad weekend. Your thought processes sound a lot like mine did before, and sometimes still do. I agree about GH's comments and drama, and wanted to add a few more observations.
1) This is a dramatic situation in your life. I find myself getting busy with life and suddenly stopping and actually thinking of the situation for what it is and it's like a smack "I cannot believe this Jerry Springer drama is my life." Yes, it is. Also, the very nature of lying, trust, deceipt, having to go through great lengths to find details of the reality of your life drives you crazy. I got to a point where I felt genuinly crazy. I had no idea of reality. When I was at work, with friends, etc, it was a respite to reality, a time when I could cling to a real world. Believe what people said and did, and it felt weird to think that people were genuine, when I lived with someone who lied to my face 24/7, and I "acted as if" and wondered, snooped, analyzed, essentially played the detective. I know snooping and prying is bad, but, frankly, I didn't do it to throw it in H's face, get back at him or torture myself--mostly, when I found things out, I had peace...however bad the details, I had a grasp on a sliver of reality in my life. It's hard to lie next to someone each night and wonder what the real life is, their other world...essentially, it's kinda "crazy" to have to combine the concept of being close to a person (your spouse) to the fact that they lead a double life you have no idea about and is nothing like them. So, enough explaining that, but in the end, it made me react in crazy ways too, ways I didn't normally react in--no control of my own world. No matter what tactics you use, it's just plain hard.
2) H doesn't want to be tied to the A, but you both need to compromise, and here's where communication is important. Seems that you're at a stage ahead of many here, where the A is over, out, talked about, and M is building again. All this time, I keep putting my feelings of A "in my pocket" as do many of us here, b/c we're not at that healing stage you're at. Sooner or later, we will be and will be torn like you are. I understand. That being said, you DO need to keep the reactions in check....while it's understandable to feel the way you do, expressing them in a DIFFERENT WAY than you did in M is the best. Explain this to H....while he's ready to move on, he has to work with you in the healing. Explain that it won't go on forever, but ask him to remember how much pain you caused him and how it took a while to come out of that. EMPATHY and COMMUNICATION. You're really lucky to have an H that WANTS to work it out, is strong for you. Lean on him, but in a healthy way. Speak about what's on your mind, tell him what you're feeling (not what he did), without the extreme emotions. Work through it. You brought up a good point that my H feels too: safety in my company. Well....safety does NOT mean never bringing up my pain or his mistakes to work through them....it DOES mean working through it in a mutually respectful, empathetic way. Simply put: express yourself, just don't rage forever and do passive-aggressive, extreme things. Tone it down a few notches. That way, H still feels safe, and you still work through a very real situation. Explain to him this as well...you will do everything to make him feel safe, and he needs to do the same by facing what he did by facing your feelings, THAT is what it will take to make YOU feel safe, b/c he made you feel UNsafe with the A.
3) It seems that you might have skipped a portion of your story from the ending of the A to this weekend. How did H come around? Describe your days now....
4) THE BIGGEST PART. It comes down to you. This is 2 parts. First, I think this comes down, largely, to you feeling like you don't have control (read #1). I feel the same. You react in an extreme manner (rage or run away) to control or simply to DO something and not just stand there. Second, this is all about YOUR actions in the first place. Sometimes, in our threads, mine included, we focus too much on the A, fixing and analyzing the CURRENT situation, how can you help it? We lose track of what happened in the M BEFORE the A. It's not just about the dynamics of NOW, but the dynamics of BEFORE. That's what you're battling. You can't help H's reactions, now, his aloofness, etc. Just remember that how he sees you is built on how you were in the M. Go back to that. What were the issues, what did you do? What were the behaviors? Why? What are you doing now to change? You glossed over this in one of the first posts, very quickly referring to childhood, etc....but THIS IS THE KEY--you're doing a great disservice to yourself by NOT making this a priority now. Let your healing take the stage too, but always temper it with your changes and your part in the M. So, you see, the only way to really gain control of the situation is to go to the root, not what the situation in your house is now--and make those changes in you.We can't work on how to move from here, unless we know how it all started. In your next post, go back to this. What were the issues. Really dig deep, look at your assumptions when you reacted to things, things you see were issues and you wish were better. Think of your ideal M and think of how YOU would be different. What are things day-to-day, that you do differently, react differently, things you do to change your former dynamics. This is the only thing you can control, so throw yourself into it...get the control back. Get to a point where regardless of what happens in your M, the OW (who is out, but whatever), etc: you are still you, the best that you can be!!!! Let's focus on this in your next threads, in addition to venting and moving through the pain. What's helped me look away from the pain is to focus on my changes, which leads me to remember all the crappy things I did. Not that you are taking all the blame or beating yourself up, but simply shifting focus back to what you can control, and in the end what matters most, a better YOU. A better M will only follow. I remember something my H said when we got back together years ago to marry: I didn't want to get back into a R with you until I knew I could be the best person I could be adn offer the best of myself. Good philosophy. So, while we all want better M's, are we prepared to know what we want and what we can give?
5) Get centered. This is a horrible stage where you're being pulled at every emotion at every whim. Find a ritual, prayer, poem, something to remind you to center your emotions and get back to a strong you.
So, next post, tell us more about the changes you're working on in you. Things you do to GAL. Focus on the positive and controllable parts of this whole thing. It's not easy, and I myself am a basket case here and there, BUT, it helps to at least put some effort in this direction, and it REALLY pays off in the M.
Look at it this way....we're all human and make mistakes. HUGE ones at times. Our only hope is that our loved ones still love us...sure they'll be disappointed and hurt, but that they understand and still love us. It's what you hope for from H....it's what he hopes from you. It takes time, it's the toughest thing to give, but you'll get there.
