Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

sigh. Warning: rant ahead

Tough weekend. Much backsliding. Gosh, I suck at this. I am so easily flooded with A thoughts, and feeding the bad dog, thinking he wants to be with her, if she weren't married he'd have chosen OW, if he hadn't been fired he would've left me as he was planning, etc. and then I go and freaking SAY it to him b/c I have NO SENSE, ya'll. None. ugh. And his (sensible) argument back to me is that I am keeping him chained to his A, when he's trying to distance himself from it and I keep locking him back up to it. That I think about her so much more than he does now. But that wan't the case before, I retort. Because I'm a retorter. Because I suck. GOD, I HATE HOW HARD THIS IS. I just cannot move past it like I want, with any CONSISTENCY. Dangit.

So Saturday night is eleventeen-million steps backwards, b/c I'm so frustrated with the grass-growing-slowness of our R that I want to either slam full-throttle into a better R with H RIGHT-FREAKING-NOW thankyouverymuch, or RUN from it in frustration, and separate from him to just get my thoughts together away from seeing him so much. I keep thinking I could just GAL w/o him so much easier if he weren't in my face. And instead of just chewing on that when it comes into my head, I keep BRINGING IT UP. Because I suck at this, and am showing my a$$ every time my emotions flare up. I cannot contain myself for any decent length of time. So, of course, he sees no real changes in me b/c I keep reverting to freak-chick. ARGH! I am so mad at me. And he (correctly) says to me, "You are not a safe place for me when you act like this" and it's true. I'm like some nitro that you can't shake or knock, or I'll explode with emotional goo all over the ceiling.

We're okay again, but it was a long nasty Saturday night, and H coming back upstairs and grabbing me in a hug and saying "We can do this" - despite the affair, my gosh, he's a better man than I.

I am so burned by the lack of sex in the M; my gosh, could the man please just throw me against the wall? I'm about to die over here. This whole Sat argument started when he came up to kiss me goodnight, and I grabbed his shirt to hold him nearer for a while, and he pulled away. And so it began. B/C I'm insulted by that - hello, not an issue with OW (jealousy, jealousy) - and he feels like I'm trying to 'eat him alive' (reference back to his mother who STILL tries to do this), so he keeps saying 'it's not YOU, I would have this issue with anyone I was married to, any woman who was close to me, b/c of my mother" - we are seeing a new MC that we both like, and I encouraged him to bring this up in MC so we could figure out what to do about it. and he agreed to, but i'm not sure if he'll do it. I'm about to LOSE MY MIND from desire for H and wishing he could overcome his crap. B/C this didn't happen until after we were M, I was like "hell, I'll D you just so you'll dig me again" which of course is wrong and all my volatile emotions rising up. I cannot beat those things down, and verbal daggers are NOT effective but I cannot seem to SHUT THE F UP when I'm upset. I am so frustrated with me. and he keeps saying he's the one who's expected to do all the changing and i'm not doing any changes. or very little. (insert primal scream here)

So we start another week, and he's preoccupied and distant and I'm all freaked out inside for no reason, and can't seem to figure out how to interact with him to get back to where we were before I became psycho-of-the-weekend.

Thus ends the evening rant.