Okay, I'm now about to be hopelessly out of order in my saga, but here are tonight's emails between me & H on my own thread instead of Always14's thread - although I used many of her words verbatim in my first email, b/c they were SO GOOD (and b/c we were apparently separated at birth or something)...
After arguing most of day/evening, I sent him this (credit to Always): What do I fear? Of course, the pain and anxiety. A role reversal that I don't intend, with me the only one 'plugged in' emotionally. I fear not being wholly loved ever again. I fear I won't be able to be who I need to be, the wife I want to be. I fear that I cannot trust again, always suspecting and worrying as a part-time job.
What do I hope? I hope for peace in each of our hearts and the outcome that God created for us, I hope we follow that path with happiness in our souls. I hope that each of us ends up doing what makes us happy--sometimes, that is what takes most courage of all. I hope to be the best person I can be, the person I want to be, at all times. I hope, in what time we have left together that I give the very best of myself to a person I love and cherish, no matter the outcome.
His reply: And I hope for exactly the same things. We aren't far apart on that. I understand your fear, which is why I have been so focused on not giving you anything to worry you or to make you feel like I am keeping something from you. That's why it is kind of difficult when you start treating me like I am holding out on you. It makes anything I do seem like nothing.
This is fixable. The whole thing.
Gosh, but I love this man. Dammit.
Anyway, I also (at A14's suggestion, b/c by now she's brilliant and I'll follow her off a cliff) emailed him that I've been rehashing the A this week and it's causing me some mental anguish that I'm not containing well. Here's that email:
This past week or so, I've been writing about the affair (I loathe that word) and along with Hormonal Fun for the month, I'm now sure it's why I'm being more difficult than normal about things. It's something I have to work through, and I apologize that I've not separated 'then' and 'now' well when rehashing the chronology. A little PTSD rearing its head, I'm guessing. Would've mentioned it before now had it occurred to me sooner. On the upside, I'm almost finished.
His reply: Understandable. Where might this chronology be published?
haha. The wit. He's got a blog, and I'm guessing he thinks I'm writing non-anonymously about it online or otherwise. I replied not to worry.
OMGosh, For the Love of a Princess from the Braveheart soundtrack is playing on my iTunes shuffle. (sniff, sniff)
Anyway, at the risk of confusing all of you, that's a fast forward to this evening. And no, we're not separated, just in different parts of the house b/c we live separately after the kids go to sleep, mostly. We email at night, talk during day.
Although we are going to have a DVD-night tomorrow, and I dare to hope that he'll come to bed at the same time, but probably not. sigh. baby steps.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
