Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Oh my, ya'll. Going back over all this stuff I think is affecting my subconcious along with PMS. I have really backslid on my attitude toward H in the last few days. Even threw some nasty verbal daggers at him that were hurtful. We had an argument about all that today. This whole process is painful, and reliving the A here is not going well for me in real life, I guess.

But on the upside, you guys know most everything about the A and OW now, so there won't be much info left to tell you and we'll be on to my R issues now (of which there are many. groan)

Almost finishing in a nutshell re: OW, so I can stop being a Horror Show here at home~

The breakup is late January. About mid-February, there is a phone message from a recruiter in OW's far-off city that is a mutual friend of H and OW. OW has forwarded H's resume to him, and so he called. H was home, saw the city on caller ID, didn't answer and listened to message. I get home, and he tells me about it. Later that evening, he checks email and has one from OW (he blocked her emails previously from his 'secret' email account, this is another email acct), that is very professional/cold about having drinks with mutual friends the previous night, they asked about H, and blah blah, didn't know your situation but forwarded your resume. H didn't respond, told me about it, and forwarded me the email to see with "I do not want to be where I don't need to be. I am where I need to be" written to me. No massive declarations of love, okay yeah, but he's doing the right thing....and does not respond to phone message or OW's email.

So now we limp into March, still going to crappy MC, me working, him still looking for a job (amazing, b/c his resume is so fantastic. I never would have believed in December that he would still be out of work. Convinced it was the Lord keeping him here to work stuff out). So now I guess I get to tell you all about our sex life. Sigh. Or lack thereof.

When we met, and early in our marriage: bunnies. BUNNIES, I tell you! I'm sure many of you can say the same. Can't keep hands off each other, ML all the time. Life is a cabaret. Ah, memories.

So, several years in, it gets pretty sporadic, but still around. Then we have our 2nd child, and don't ML until he is ONE YEAR OLD, and we go away on a grown-up only weekend (jan 2002). Think that's bad? After that weekend, TWO AND A HALF YEARS pass before we ML during another grown-up weekend away (aug 2004) and hey, I'm thankful to be thrown a bone (twice! in 2 days!) but it just wasn't great sex between us. I of course was so grateful for some, that I chose to ignore that fact, and the fact that although we were together and it was pleasant, the entire trip was strained/distant in the big picture of our R. Looking back, it's so obvious, but not then. I figured that things were not the joy of yesteryear, I just attributed that to how little time we'd been able to spend together in general with his work travel. Still no A going on, just crap in the M.

So, after the great Mediocre Sex of 2004, we have none (none!) . Again, large stalemate in the marriage as I've mentioned previously. We 'argue' about it some, but really. How far are you going to get in having sex when you're b*tching about it? I felt completely undesired/unattractive, no matter how much he told me otherwise, there were no ACTIONS to back it up. Ugh. Makes me mad to think about it (not like I'm not always thinking about it).

So then, my not-digging-me-physically H goes and has a fcuking A. WHAT?!?! My H is having a PA? Emailing ILY, I want to marry you, I want to ML to you non-stop, we'd wear out mattresses on a regular basis?! WTF? Kill me now. Again ya'll, this is made harder by me snooping and reading all these words from the pit of hell. This is an extra-special-added-bonus pain, like a cherry on top of the sundae of the already fun betrayal/pain of an A, b/c he was not ML to me for years, multiple. YEARS, people. Dammit.

So in the middle of the discovered affair/email affair in my home, lots of hostility between us, and "I don't love you and I will never love you again" from H. ouch. thanks.

Then it ends, the A. And we are tiptoeing around whether or not we're going to make it, want to make it. No physical contact. Some nice gestures and attempts at friendship stuff by H (cards, etc. but zero romance attached). And then, oh yeah, into March. I'm DYING emotionally, but also physically with all this crap in my head about the A and their ML vs. our ML and WTF, etc etc.

So, one night I initiate it (after DAYS of working up courage and having about 3 talking points ready if I have to convince/argue to get him to comply), and he completely goes there with no convincing. wow. and hey, it's pretty darn good (wall, bathroom sink, floor! bring it on!). Afterwards, he says "I didn't think you were ever going to let me do that again" and I say " I didn't think you were ever going to WANT to do that again". He kisses me and says ILY. I think I've died and gone to heaven. He leaves me a post-it to find in the kitchen the next a.m. that reads "I think we're going to be OK" and draws a heart. This is the 12 hour period of time I cling to in my head as I have lived these next months after that. I could be posting in SSM too. sigh. GH, I feel your pain honey. Oh, and something funny? This was the first time we'd ever ML in OUR OWN HOME we'd bought 3 years ago. Ever.

Okay, will pause, must sleep. There's one more contact from OW I'll post about, and then hopefully we'll be done with her. Was planning to post some really hopeful lyrics, but not today. Resurfaced emotions + Fight w/ H + PMS + No sex in the foreseeable future = Lyrics of angst & adultery (more Imogen Heap. Love her):

Doing everything by halves,
You got a real flare with excuses
Meeting someone at the bar,
Where loose ends still have uses

It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d'you say, we give it up and walk away?
We're overrated, anyway

We're kissing without kissing,
And got it down to a fine art
Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky,
But we grew up and wide apart
Not now, not ever, no… it's never a good time
How will the good times ever roll on?
Comparing photos then and now, now and then,
Just wondering…(wondering) where it all went wrong

It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away?
Nothing to salvage anyway