Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Working 12hr night shifts is exhausting! (I'm a nurse, by the way, not a writer! But thanks to whoever suggested that to me, I wish.  Actually my H is the great writer.  He just started a blog and it's really good,  I'll send you guys a link later in our story maybe!)

SO, let's jump back into the fray.  OMGosh, as I'm writing this I'm soooooooo glad it's not Dec/Jan/Feb anymore.  What a nightmare.

As I mentioned in someone else's thread, my H was convicted to break it off with OW b/c he didn't want to ruin a 2nd family/marriage, NOT b/c he was dedicated to ours.  He in fact told her he expected to be divorced and a single dad.  She was married with a child the same age as my D, and 2 stepkids.  In the end, it doesn't matter what he told her, but what he DID.  I write that sentence more for myself, as I have to remind myself a lot of these type of things.

SO, he comes upstairs one wee-hour morning to announce that it's over.  They had an email 'argument' and the servers go down, so he calls her and it ends on the phone.  She is furious that he's been trying to end it and 'leave her when she needs him the most'. Excuse me while I go vomit.  Anyway, I said "if she loves you so much because you're a good man, she should appreciate that you're trying to do the right thing." and he said "that's exactly what I told her", which I thought was kind of funny: here we are agreeing about the breakup points.   Life is surreal.

He leaves early the next a.m. to take our D to get her tonsils out (I have to stay home with our sick S), so he is gone all day long from email access.  He has no cell phone of his own (since his job took theirs back upon his termination) and he takes mine, so I know she's not calling him on that one.  No email access all day for him.  Here is the one day I only "semi-snooped".  I opened his email account, and saw an email sent from her at 4am.  The screen only shows you about the first sentence of the body of the email, so I read that part only ("well that seemed too easy for you") and closed the program.  

H comes home, we deal with D, etc. and late in the evening he says "I've been dreading this all day" and LOGS ON TO HIS EMAIL IN FRONT OF ME (previously unheard of) while I'm across the room, and pulls up that email.  It was so hard, but I stayed across the room and resisted the strong urge to read it over his shoulder, but I looked over and saw that it was the longest email in the History of Mankind, the words took up the whole screen.  H commented 'wow, it's a long one', and read it once, deleted it, and blocked her emails from his account.  All in front of me.  AGAIN, quite a change from any earlier behavior.  He just said it was a blaming, accusing email about him breaking it off, etc.  gave me no detail really.  

In the back of my head while he's doing this, I am thinking I'll read it later b/c my spyware would be sending me a screenshot of his desktop (one taken every 3 minutes) while he had it pulled up.  ALAS, he read it so fast that my program has a before & after screenshot - but no email.  So it's lost forever.  I still think about that email occasionally and wish I had seen it.  Of all the emails I read from her, I'd sure like to see that last one. I know it's just as well, but there's my 'bad dog' wanting to be fed. I fight that so much.

Back in early January, we started MC (yes, the affair was still ongoing at this point) under the guise of 'me' getting help for my issues and I asked if he wanted to come that first time and he agreed.  So we had been going to a counselor who was highly recommended, but was highly ineffective.  We went for 2 months and got nowhere with his help (he couldn't even remember our names for the first 15 minutes of each session, had to use a cheat sheet!), and did all the stuff Michele says you DON'T need in a counselor (feelings, past childhood stuff, no goals set).  I said in March to H, "I don't think we're getting anywhere".


AAHH!  Time to go get my kid from school, will go ahead and post this and do more tonight. Lyrics later as well!