Sorry about your saga of the past 7 months. Same time as mine. It's rough and takes every living breath out of you, it's a very special kind of hell. Come check me out in Piecing if you like.
So, where are you now? You said reconciling? Good for you. It's damn tough. How are you with it? So the A is tailing or over?
How are you doing? Health? Emotions? What are you doing to detach and take a breather? If he's still ending things and being weird about it, it's important to realize that you're not fully in reconciliation yet, and are still in detachment mode. Stay detached, if only to protect yourself and protect the little compassion you might still have left for H...you'll need that for the reconciliation and forgiveness part.
It's been a tough road, and will probably have tougher bends soon. Hang in there.
Something that you wrote in your original post that's wise to remember when you're feeling like falling in the deep pit of "why is this happening to me, this hurts like HELL." You mentioned that H DID approach you for a real M before, repeatedly, and you pushed him back. I DID THE SAME. I keep this in mind now. I look back at my behaviors and wonder "who in the WORLD was that b*tch? ME??!! How could I have acted like that and why didn't I wake up sooner?" Well....you didn't, neither did I. H's tried, waited, tried again. Then they moved on.
Now, it's OUR turn to try, wait and try again while they lift from a weird fog.
It's hard for me to think about my pain without thinking of H's. It's hard to believe that 2 people could hurt each other so badly especially after how crazy in love we were when we married. Ugh.
Hang in there...lots of pain all around...you'll be sifting for a while.. you can do this.
