Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

I know I shouldn't be surprised, but thanks so much for your generous encouragement to continue with my saga. I've seen ya'll post such support to each other during my lurkdom, and it's nice to be well-received. So thank you. There is nobody, I don't care how empathetic they are, that can really GET the enormity of this stuff except for those who've suffered it too. For that I am so grateful for all of you. It's an exhale of relief to tell this story to those who 'get it'. Although, Lord knows, I'm so sorry we're all here.

I have to say it's quite the undertaking to stop, turn around, and truly look the last 5 months full in the face in my effort to tell ya'll about it, when I've just mainly had my head down trying to plow thru the days without slitting my wrists. Ya'll know.

SO. where were we?

Ah, yes. The fourth Circle of Hell. Let's continue.

So, H has been fired, life as we know it has completely imploded, both inside and outside the marriage. His entire life, my H has been the picture of integrity. No, really. If you were to look it up in Webster's, he would have been pictured next to the definition. Yes, our marriage was rocky and difficult for some time, but never in ten thousand years did I expect this. I actually expected it from myself, had the opportunity presented itself, before I would have from him. I was the one with the high physical desires that were not getting met, and feeling unattractive, undesired, etc. w/in the marriage. If anyone was going to have an A, it should have been me. The irony does not escape me. Hell, I thought the man had low testosterone or something. Um, nope. He's just not digging ME. ouch. And writing words to OW that I would trade YEARS OFF MY LIFE to have had him saying to me all this time. Just yank my heart out and roast it over some charcoal. Same effect.

And let's just get a little snarky about the OW, shall we? Allow me that vent here if you would, b/c I can't do it much elsewhere. He's fired, they're emailing/calling in the wee hours, and she's going to tell her husband. Oh, yes, OF COURSE SHE IS (wink wink). She thinks she'll tell him over Christmas, since they'll both be off work to better work through things. Well, no she didn't tell him over the holidays b/c she didn't want to ruin her family's Christmas. Um, like MINE was? She'll find the right time to tell him....oh, and H's job hasn't told OW's job have they? Can you find out if they are going to tell? Maybe OW should go to counseling with her H, and the A come out then, in a safe environment. Well, no, she's not found a counselor yet. She's just not sure if there's a right time for this, and gee, if my H hadn't been fired maybe he wouldn't have told me, right? OMGosh, SHUT UP already. Ya'll. Is it any surprise to you that it's five months later and OW's H STILL DOESN'T KNOW? What a shock. Could she BE any more selfish? And any time my H emailed her with any remotely positive thoughts about me (esp. nearing the end of their contact), she said 'you know I've always said nothing but positive things about your W, but are you forgetting she's the one who threw you under the bus?' and rile him all up about my behavior. OMGosh, I so hate her. Yeah, still working on that forgiveness thing. Ya'll know.

Somehow, in this crisis I managed to do all the wrong things, but the LORD was/is still on His throne. I cried, cried, cried. Pleaded. Looked pathetic, and then would get mad and be a complete b*tch. Zero to 60 in 5.2 seconds. I was all over the place. Completely freaking out and could not get a handle on it. Then a very dear childhood friend shipped me "Love Must be Tough" - the book by James Dobson, and the CDs from the radio broadcast they had on it. It was my first resource in the Journey of Pulling My Sh*t Together. I highly recommend it to anyone coming apart at the seams over this stuff.

Again, I really take little credit in the U-turn this disaster took. It was all the Lord, and I still do not understand it. H realized that he could not have the destruction of a 2nd family on his head, no matter what happened with ours. He knew he had to get out of the picture of OW's life, and it felt like FOR-EVAH between him knowing that and completely doing something about it. In reality it was maybe two weeks, but I didn't think he would ever break it off, b/c frankly if it were me and I was crazy, wide-open in love with someone else (his words, remember. they still haunt), I would not have had the strength to leave it. no way. I am too selfish, I think. I would have been all "F this, I'm going with who I'm crazy about. damn the torpedoes", which is perhaps why the Lord protected me from being the WAS. I also think it's why God didn't protect H from losing his job. The fact that his ENTIRE LIFE was ruined beyond recognition played a huge part in getting H's attention.

The breaking-off process initially looked exactly like the A, frankly, up every night emailing. But then it got surreal. He would come to bed, wake me up and tell me a little about what was happening, "it's getting closer" etc. Leaving out the fact that there was still sexy talk, etc. that I knew about. By now, they had each switched email accounts twice, since my master hacking abilities were now public knowledge, and were completely confident that they were 'speaking' in private. Fools. I had a kick-*ss program installed on H's computer that logged his keystrokes, sent me screenshots, and logged every website he visited. Again, though, let me reiterate: DON'T SNOOP. That crap will drag down your reconciliation efforts. I am Exhibit A of that case.

Ya'll. This is draining, reliving the saga. Let's pause again for another day (or more, I work night shift this week. groan), and I'll leave you with some more lyrics from a song I love, "Reasons Why" by Nickel Creek:

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
Looking around, there's no sign of you

I don't remember one jump or one leap,
Just quiet steps away from me

I'm holding my heart out, and clutching it too,
The feeling is short of the love that we once knew

Calling this a home when it's not even close,
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, I have my Reasons Why