Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Hi, ya'll. I feel a bit like I need to post about my life in Piecing, and yet here is where I started lurking - for obvious reasons - and where I feel I "know" the wise and strong posters in this forum, and yet none of you know me. I'll try to do this in a nutshell, but it's got some crazy twists so please bear with me as I try to make it understandable.

Me: 39
formerly WAH: 40 next month
D6
S5
Married: 10 years, together for same. We met and married (eloped!) very quickly.
Multiple Bombs: December 2005 ("We need to separate"/ A discovery/ H was fired from job b/c of A/ and b/c I turned him in -ouch- worked in a Christian organization where you just don't do that and keep your job)

H's job had him traveling extensively over a third of the year for the last 5 years. Our marriage had been getting progressively worse during that time. He was pursuing me for a 'real' relationship, and I was defensive, controlling, passive/aggressive, just in complete denial about what a good marriage needed to be/looked like. Long nasty childhood, blah blah. I pushed and pushed him away emotionally, and he turned off the physical and stayed up late every night and never came to bed with me at the same time (we are opposite male/female stereotypes); these were the 2 big stalemates in our marriage.

Turns out he has had a business relationship/friendship with OW (also married with children) in a state waaaay across the country from us for the last 4 years, would see her for several weeks once a year when he was over there for business, sporadic emails throughout the year, and it turned 'personal' friendship (sharing too much info re: lives/marriages) around Nov 2004, became a 'sudden' EA around Nov/Dec 2005, and I stumbled upon it (emails) as it was 'becoming' in early December. I 'watched' it unfold via emails (hacked his personal email account after the 'we need to separate' phone call while he was away), found one 'inappropriate' email, forwarded it to his boss (emotional reaction encouraged by boss' wife, my friend. my first mistake). EA still had not become PA yet.

I fly out there to fight for my marriage within 2 days of discovery, and yet do not tell H that I know anything about OW, or that I have told his job and it's now in jeopardy. My own misguided fear that he should come back 'on his own' and not out of guilt from being 'caught'. Bear with my stupidity, I am in a panicked, haven't-eaten-or-slept-for-days fog of the worst sort at this time. Can't (and won't) see this error clearly for a month or more. Trip and ensuing discussion with H a complete disaster (he was too mad at me by then, and far gone) and I fly home the next day. STILL not having told him, 'hey who is this chick, and guess what? your job knows about her too.' Meanwhile (unbeknownst to me until much later), his company is pulling emails, and all correspondence he's ever had with OW, and building their case. All based on my little forwarded email. And NOT confronting him either, just behind the scenes stuff.

SO: 2 days after I fly home, EA becomes PA (again 'watched' as it unfolded via emails. OMGosh, it's still hard to think about this now). Only one time, but once is enough thankyouverymuch. "Misses" his plane home the next day, has to take the red-eye flight home, where he is met at work by 3 higher-ups and an interrogation. Sent home, crying, (calling her on the way) to tell me of the A. Swears it is over, that he 'wants to love' me like he used to, etc.

Within a day, that attitude is gone, and he is emailing OW into the wee hours of every night about how much he loves her and just doesn't love me anymore; she is the perfect woman, that was the best night of his life, all kinds of sexual stuff, etc. YA'LL. DON'T SNOOP; God, I would get up at 4 am every night during this time, and print them out (since he wanted to leave me, I thought I was getting evidence). Now that we are trying to work it out, THOSE WORDS he wrote haunt me - no matter how he renounces them now. They fall on me like a swarm of bees some days, and I can't breathe from the pain of remembering them so vividly. Snooping will get in the way of your future reconciliation efforts; just makes it that much harder of a hurdle to get over. Please trust me here. It sux to have those words etched in my soul. Plus I started to get deceived that perhaps THEY were meant to be together since they were friends for so long first, and we just met and fell madly in love quickly w/o a base of strong friendship first. This is what my friend calls "feeding the bad dog". If you have 2 dogs against each other, which one will win? The one you feed. You need to feed the 'good' dog (spiritual, emotional well being) vs. the 'bad' dog (obsessing over the affair partner, comparing yourself, etc). I still struggle with feeding the right dog.

Anyway, he's fired 12/20 (Merry Christmas), friends turn their back on him, and he now continues a phone/email relationship with this chick IN MY HOUSE until 1/24. The worst month of my life. PLUS he finds out (not from me) that I turned him in AND knew about it all along AND never confronted him. Is "done" with me, doesn't love me, "will never love" me again.

I can't move out, b/c in my state that's Abandonment, and I can't make him leave b/c Hi, he's unemployed, and I've been a stay-at-home mom for 6 years, and we have no income. So I go back to work, as I'm the only employable person in my household right now, in our small town.

Okay, I'm winding down (just worked a 12hr shift today, and am pooped!), so I'll finish the story later...
THUS ENDS PART ONE of my little saga. If you've read this far, I thank you for joining me and I'll leave you with some lyrics from a new Imogen Heap song that I play on repeat constantly on my iPod:

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins just run
with me
Through rows of Speeding Cars

The paper cuts
The cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

There, there baby, it's just textbook stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don't lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah