Dear Michelle and Joanne: Whew! I just finished reading most of the post. I congratulate both of you on really showing how the process can work out. I have read DB twice, and it is nice to see things set out so clearly. Joanne, after I read your first post, when you explained the reasoning behind a walkaway wife's decision, I got cold shudders running through my body. Everything you said really mirrored what my wife is going through, and everything that she has been trying to tell me. Now she is feeling exhausted and numb. She feels that she has controlled the relationship for our entire marriage, and she is sick and tired of me not "getting it." We have been separated before, and we got back together. I thought everything was fine, but I did not listen or look closely at the signs my wife was trying to give me. There has been no affair, abuse or anything like that. I just did not know how to love her the way she has needed me to love her all this time. And now she is talking the "D" word, and I am freaking out. She has said this past January that it is over, that her love for me is no longer there, that she is afraid of being hurt all over again, and that there is nothing I can do. Obviously I am freaking out. I did not know how precarious things were. I am still in the same house, for the sake of the kids right now. They are very young (6 and 3)and so far are not showing any visible signs of stress. Daddy has his room and Momma has her room. I am learning so much of what I have done and where I have failed. Joanne, your posting hit me the hardest today. I just wish that I could somehow get her to see that I am capable of changing for the better of myself and the marriage. Recently, I saw a family picture of our family taken in November, and I couldn't recognize who I had become. I have been trying to get myself back, and I have been doing fine with it. I feel better about who I am and what is important to me. I have also invited God back into my life, for I have never done so much praying before. But I am getting desperate about changing things. I have not resorted to begging, pleading or manipulating, and my wife has noticed the changes (so much so that she does not know what to really trust). I do love my wife more right now than I ever have in the relationship, and it is hurting me like crazy that she is so closed off that she cannot accept it. I would love for her to read your postings so that she would know that she is not alone and that I am more aware about what is happening/has happened. We have known each other for many years, and I hurt her many times over the years. I knew that I had to accept responsibility for these wrongs, and I wrote out each separate incident and simply apologized for each one (it was a lot: 7 pages worth). After I saw the list, I felt awful and hopeless. No wonder she does not trust me anymore. I do not want to be like I was. I want to offer more for her, for her sake and the sake of our family. What should I do to catch the notice of someone I absolutely love, who has been hurt because I could not give her the intimacy she has needed, and I did not put her first in my life? How do I prevent what I think would be a terrible wrong? She is just like you, Joanne. She fears any changes in me would be temporary and short-lived, and that she would only get hurt again. I do not want to hurt her. I only want to truly love her. Any advice, from anyone?
