Good to hear from you again. I will respond to your post.
Sorry this sounded so out of relevance. It all relates to the roller coaster of grief regarding the death of our daughter.
Honestly, I was wondering about your and your husband's grief. It's impossible to imagine how you're coping with that and working on your marriage at the same time. I know you say that your marriage is helping you keep your mind busy and that's good. I just want you both to know that my heart goes out to you.
Surprisingly, even to me, I am not hanging on to any lingering resentments about the past. I have surprised myself about how completely I have forgiven him. I have to say there is still a sting of anger and hurt when I think about the affair, but quite frankly, these days, I just don't think about it. My mind is set firmly on the future and not the past.
I know I've said this before, but let me say this again. You are wonderful. It's amazing how, when you set your mind to something you go after it. I know you probably have times that aren't perfect, to say the least, but you truly are fixed on the future and that's what it takes to create a happier marriage.
I have gone through all these goals but the ones that really stick in my mind are the ones that I must take action on. I must appreciate verbally more and I am becoming better at thanking him for the things he does for me. I have always appreciated it but probably not told him that enough.
So smart of you to internalize this and to act on it. Thanking people goes a really long way, even if we're not 100% sure they deserved it! YOu're definitely on the right track here.
You want me to look at the way I have changed. More than anything, I have relaxed. I have accepted his intentions and that they are good. Not always on target, but I laugh more about that now instead of jumping down his throat.
Joanne, this is what happens in good relationships. We give our spouses the benefit of the doubt. They may not always get things right, but we are quicker to assume that, for the most part, they're trying. I'm so glad you are feeling this way more and more. It will make staying on track much easier. Lightheartedness is another key to marital satisfaction. So, bravo!
I'm not as defensive as I used to be (or feel) and I'm not pushing him to talk all the time. I bring things up now in gentle conversation instead of making a major "do" out of it. I'm doing more asking questions and listening to the answers instead of "telling him" or complaining.
This is fantastic! I'm sure he feels more loved by you. You are so insightful and I'm so excited by your changes in this area! You have become much more realistic about your marriage and your husband and because you have, he will evolve into being more of what you want him to be! Just watch!
I don't expect him just to know how I'm feeling any more.
I'm not sure, but this might be one of the most important changes so far! I know he wants to please you and he will get better at it over time, especially since you are helping him get clearer about your needs. This is great!
I am being more physically affectionate and can feel that becoming more of one of my needs as we become closer.
Isn't it wonderful? He loves being physical, and now this is becoming more important to you. I'm sure he's thrilled about this.
One thing I need to do more of is control my mouth and listen. I am very guilty of listening and then jumping in with a question or whatever and trying to turn it into a discussion. I know I'm far more articulate verbally than he is, especially on tough subjects like feelings. I get frustrated and something jumps out of my mouth practically unbidden. This does not get a good reaction. However I am working on it and trying very hard to be more conscious of it and to not stop his flow of words.
Good girl. I know it's hard to keep quiet when you want to fill in the blanks or move the conversation in a different direction, but you are absolutely right about what you need to do. You are so honest with yourself. I'm very impressed, I must say. Your husband is very lucky, indeed.
I need to keep on being grateful for all the good things he does, no matter how small or insignificant they seem to me. I know I need to do that to build up his self esteem and belief that he's going in the right direction.
I need to keep on being relaxed and take a part in making fun between us.
You're right about both of these things. They are both keys to making your marriage work.
All in all, I have to say that things are going pretty well. I know they have a long way to go yet but with both of us working on this, I am more enthusiasic than cautious. I have been writing down these goals and wondering just how I translate them into the relationship. However, they don't translate directly off the paper. It's more a case of how you think. When those goals are in your head, it's more what you do to make them happen than telling someone it's what you want from them. Little bits of all of them come into daily life. Some of them are direct requests and some of them come down to getting what you give. To me they seem to change the balance of my expectations and really make me see things differently. I cannot have silent expectations of my H and the way I go about having him meet my needs is to ask for it in a different way and not always with words. All these are of course more changes in me. I always thought I did so much for him and yet now I seem to be doing so much more by doing less and getting much more out of it for me.
Joanne, what you wrote here says it all. I truly hope that anyone visiting this site who is considering leaving a spouse because he or she believes s/he has tried everything will read what you have posted. It have hit on the real mechanics of how solution-oriented thinking works. So often I help people set goals, not so that they talk to their spouses necessarily, (and that's okay too) but so that it helps them change their thinking. Without telling you this, (it isn't necessary to do so) you have figured this out completely!
Your instincts, your insights, your love and dedication will be the building blocks you need to have the kind of closeness you've been yearning for..for a long time. In fact your last post,
I'm warming up on the inside and can feel a little twinkle coming back into my eyes. For a long time I've thought that I would never feel that way about him again, so it's rather a nice feeling.
brings tears to my eyes. I know that you both have work ahead of you, that there will definitely be ups and downs, and that we can't get over-zealous just yet, but the fact that you've got a little twinkle in your eyes is just incredible. Especially when you consider what you're both going through right now, a twinkle and warm feelings are nothing short of a miracle, a miracle that you are both working really hard to make happen. I'm very happy for you both.
Keep track of what is continuing to work.
Fondly, Michele
[This message has been edited by Michele (edited 09-11-2000).]
YOu're definitely on the right track here.
