He would ask me how my day has gone, ask me if I've been a basket case of tears or managed to get through the day, if I had any major traumas. It's difficult for me to go back to places we all shared and had fun and I'm not ducking that. It upsets me badly the first time and then gets easier. Going shopping is a nightmare for me. ____________________________________________
Sorry this sounded so out of relevance. It all relates to the roller coaster of grief regarding the death of our daughter. It doesn't relate to this discussion but is obviously a very big part of our daily lives at the moment, for both of us. For me the focus on our marriage serves to busy my mind and for him I think the loss has forced him to look at our life together differently. Even as I write he is lying in bed reading DB and that can't be bad.
Surprisingly, even to me, I am not hanging on to any lingering resentments about the past. I have surprised myself about how completely I have forgiven him. I have to say there is still a sting of anger and hurt when I think about the affair, but quite frankly, these days, I just don't think about it. My mind is set firmly on the future and not the past.
I have gone through all these goals but the ones that really stick in my mind are the ones that I must take action on. I must appreciate verbally more and I am becoming better at thanking him for the things he does for me. I have always appreciated it but probably not told him that enough.
You want me to look at the way I have changed. More than anything, I have relaxed. I have accepted his intentions and that they are good. Not always on target, but I laugh more about that now instead of jumping down his throat. I'm not as defensive as I used to be (or feel) and I'm not pushing him to talk all the time. I bring things up now in gentle conversation instead of making a major "do" out of it. I'm doing more asking questions and listening to the answers instead of "telling him" or complaining. I don't expect him just to know how I'm feeling any more. I am being more physically affectionate and can feel that becoming more of one of my needs as we become closer.
One thing I need to do more of is control my mouth and listen. I am very guilty of listening and then jumping in with a question or whatever and trying to turn it into a discussion. I know I'm far more articulate verbally than he is, especially on tough subjects like feelings. I get frustrated and something jumps out of my mouth practically unbidden. This does not get a good reaction. However I am working on it and trying very hard to be more conscious of it and to not stop his flow of words.
I need to keep on being grateful for all the good things he does, no matter how small or insignificant they seem to me. I know I need to do that to build up his self esteem and belief that he's going in the right direction.
I need to keep on being relaxed and take a part in making fun between us.
That's my list for today but I'm sure I'll find plenty more on all fronts. I'll keep watching and seeing and listing and let you know.
All in all, I have to say that things are going pretty well. I know they have a long way to go yet but with both of us working on this, I am more enthusiasic than cautious. I have been writing down these goals and wondering just how I translate them into the relationship. However, they don't translate directly off the paper. It's more a case of how you think. When those goals are in your head, it's more what you do to make them happen than telling someone it's what you want from them. Little bits of all of them come into daily life. Some of them are direct requests and some of them come down to getting what you give. To me they seem to change the balance of my expectations and really make me see things differently. I cannot have silent expectations of my H and the way I go about having him meet my needs is to ask for it in a different way and not always with words. All these are of course more changes in me. I always thought I did so much for him and yet now I seem to be doing so much more by doing less and getting much more out of it for me.
It's now after 1am here and he's still reading the book. I am impressed. If that's not a major change, I don't know what is.
