OK, here I am at last. Sorry it has taken so long to post again but I have had a really busy few days and not a lot of time for the computer. On top of that, things have been pretty good OR wise. Both of us have been very relaxed and having some fun. He has noticed some changes in me and I have noticed some changes in him. All very good and positive, I might add.
Anyway, I'd better get down to the main topic.
"I would like him to treat me at least as well as he does other people."
1. Yes, I want him to smile when he comes home and look happy to be here. He might tell me he's missed me or ask what's for dinner, suggest something to do that evening. 2. He can talk about work. If he's stressed about something, he can talk about it and I'll listen. Half an hour or longer, if necessary. When he's finished talking about it, I would like him to be interested and talk about plans for the evening or things in the house or ask me about my day. Basically though, he can talk at any time about anything that is on his mind about work but make sure he balances it with other things. 3. OK, sincerity and lightheartedness are attitudes, not actions. Perhaps he would tease me or ask what is for dinner, or notice something I've changed in the house, or changed about my appearance.
I have said that he found certain things controlling and I suppose I'm not really being fair about that. To be truthful, his whole attitude during most of our marriage was that he felt I was controlling but he has changed that attitude and now realises that it wasn't controlling at all but that I was trying to build a balance in our life and relationship. He doesn't say that about me any more.
I have asked him if he feels that he is not NO 1 in my life, that I have treated him like he wasn't important and he says no, quite the opposite. However, there is a reason why I believe he might feel a lack of importance but that is not something I feel I would like to share on this board, nor do I feel it is relevant to this discussion. Sorry.
"I would like him to be interested in me, who I am and how I feel about everything and anything."
He would ask me how my day has gone, ask me if I've been a basket case of tears or managed to get through the day, if I had any major traumas. It's difficult for me to go back to places we all shared and had fun and I'm not ducking that. It upsets me badly the first time and then gets easier. Going shopping is a nightmare for me. I've also voiced feelings about what I want to do in my life. My life and my career has been standing still since I got married, and I really wanted to be a stay at home mother but always had to take a job to bolster up finances due to bad planning. So although I could have stayed at home and studied or done some of the things I wanted to, I was stuck at the same job and frustrated at not having enough time with my kids. That might sound like a bit of a contradiction. So the things he could say to me is "That sound like a good idea, tell me more." Or "Is there anything I can do to help get you information." In other areas, yes, he could say, "Why did you act like that to X?" "I heard what X said to you and I didn't like it, are you OK?"
Yes, I want him to ask me more about my thoughts and feelings and I'm very clear about some things that I want in my life. My direction work wise is not clear. I've come up with a couple of ideas and kicked them around in discussions. He has started to be more supportive. The other day he said why don't I do a distance learning course in Psychology and we'd find the money so that I could do it. He also spoke to someone who has a friend whose wife does counseling here. His direct contact is going to find out some information about setting up to do that here, even perhaps arrange a meeting with this woman. So all that is positive and proactive and very helpful. I've told him I'd like to buy your package on KLA and will discuss this further to sort out the finances to accommodate it.
I am happy with who I am but frustrated with not doing something productive with my life. I totally agree that if I had a satisfying career that would fit with the time I want and need to be with my family, then I might find that it simplified my thoughts and actions in my relationship. However, the relationship has to be right at the same time and support and teamwork must be part of it so that everything balances out.
"I need him to initiate talking that isn't about him or his job or other people but is about me, him and us."
In hindsight, this sounds very selfish and self centered, but isn't meant to be. I appreciate that this is difficult for him and he is getting better at it. No, I don't compliment him and talk my appreciation of that as much as I should.
If he switched off everything in his head apart from the words I am saying to him, I would know this because when he replied to me he would use my words in replying to me, he would tell me that he understood and give me his perception of what I'm saying.
I will talk to him about scheduling work talk time and OR talk time and we will come to an agreement.
Now, about me being too directive and him not standing up to me. Yes, I am direct and think I am pretty clear, although from this discussion I can see that there is plenty room for improvement!!! Our biggest problem in that area is that I am a very direct, up front kind of person. I don't play games, I don't manipulate and I'm not dishonest. Most of our marriage he has lied and manipulated to get what he wants. I simply ask. However, he decided that I was controlling and manipulative. I wasn't getting what I wanted from my marriage, in spite of asking, explaining why, and doing it in the simplest possible terms. For example, " Darling, if you feel you have to play golf 5 nights a week, could I please come with you once or twice?" Yes, I went for golf lessons so that it could be something we shared and enjoyed together. But he didn't want to share that with me, he wanted to play only with the boys. He wasn't getting what he wanted from the marriage and instead of sorting it out with me, he just went out and lived a life just for him. He felt me wanting to share these things with him was me trying to control him. He has always told me what he likes, wants and needs and I have bent over backwards to accommodate those but I drew the line at also living a life of my own without him. One, because I didn't want to give him permission to do that and two, because it didn't solve the problem and would only have encouraged our drifting apart. There was no way, no how, I was going to allow myself to be in a position to give in to the temptation of an affair. I can say very truthfully that I have never been in a position to be tempted and haven't cheated on my marriage in any way at all.
I am very happy to open up the Pandora's box. I want and need the whole package deal of honesty, both positive and negative. I am totally ready for the man I want him to become because I believe totally that the truth is always easier to deal with, no matter what it is. At least that way I will learn about who this man is that I am married to and learn also what I need to learn about living with that man. If I know where he's coming from, and I know where I'm coming from, we can work out the necessary compromises to make life easier for both of us and get on with really enjoying one another.
Now onto the homework assignment. Quite frankly, I've asked myself this so many times and found it hard to come up with the answers. However, I do have to say that today we had a little disagreement and a discussion about trust. He said that he had noticed how much I have changed in the last few days and that has made him happier in the way he has treated me. I said maybe the way I'm acting is because of the way you have changed and the way you have been treating me in the past few days. He looked a little stunned and said, "I never thought about it that way."
He is changing, slowly, but changing nevertheless. He is being much softer and gentler and making suggestions about things I do. My friend was here today and he said why didn't we both go out to lunch, he'd watch the children. He's living the caring and consideration but the difference is that he's enjoying it. I don't doubt for a second that the superficial things are important too, I do appreciate them and I tell him. But I can feel the difference now. He's not doing them because he believes he's doing something wonderful for me, he's doing them because he wants to. He's a physical person, that's his language and I'm beginning to stop feeling threatened by it and just enjoying it. And if you want to know why I feel threatened by it, it's because that is always his way of getting me to give in to what he wants. But……..I have to keep reminding myself that those gestures are in the past and that we are working at building a new and different future. I don't expect everything to change, this is my H, and there are some things that won't change. The things that are worth keeping are his physical affection and his fun. Those are things that I need to nurture. There are probably lots more but I need to stop here. My computer time as run into excess and together time is calling.
