Michele, what I have done is to take the sentences you wanted me to look at again and work on, and have left out the other goals for the moment. As you said, there were too many goals and although I will keep working on them and realigning them, these ones are important. As you said, I have been asking for these for years and years. To me, rightly or wrongly, I feel they are the backbone to building the intimate relationship that isn't there. They all revolve around honesty, openness, respect and trust, the four things that have not been a part of our past marriage, at least from his side, and must be there in order for us to build a new relationship from the ground up.

"I would very much like him to treat me at least as well as he does other people."

He would smile and be light hearted but sincere. Gentle in his approach and say things that are warm and caring. His tone of voice would tell me that he is more interested in me than what he has been doing all day.

He would say things that he knows are in my mind, or in his mind and want to talk about them because his "job" has finished for the day. Things like what we are going to plan for that evening, or do around the house, or go out, where and when. I have never expected him to NOT talk about his work and his day, I am interested in that too, but it has always taken first place. I used to say to him that he had a full half hour when he came in that I would listen to what had happened in his day and then the rest of the time was our time for other things. He didn't like that, he felt it was controlling and that I wasn't interested. I always feel that I am in competition with his job for his attention and efforts and I always lose out. His work and what he's done take priority over everything. I look for balance. I'm happy that he enjoys his job but there must be a balance between living to work and working to live.

"I would like him to be interested in me, who I am and how I feel about everything and anything."

He would be commenting on how I feel, how I look, and what I'm doing, showing interest verbally in my ideas and asking questions about why, when, where, who and what. Usually it ends up in an argument because he feels the need to play devil's advocate on how I feel, how I look, what I'm doing, my ideas, my wants and needs.
He would ask questions so that he understood, support me verbally with his understanding and ask me how he could help me achieve what I want and need in my life. He would tell me that my wants and needs are important to him too. Everything and anything are a bit of an overstatement, but I mean it in general terms, not every little bitty detail about everything under the sun.

"I need him to initiate talking that isn't about him or his job or other people, but is about me, him and us."

He would voluntarily make deliberate moves to be alone somewhere quiet so that we could talk even if I have to start the talking. He would tell me what is going on in his head about our relationship. He would discuss where he is right now, where he wants to go and how we should work at getting there. He would tell me ideas that he may have and verbalise what he wants and needs from me as well as listening to the same from me. Maybe the subject would be hopes and dreams, maybe families and what is going on with them, maybe politics or future plans.

"And I need him to listen and really absorb what I say about my feelings."

He would look at me, listen without interrupting and tell me his perception of what I am saying. He would ask questions so that he reached a full understanding of what I am saying. He would switch off everything in his head apart from the words I am saying to him. He would feel comfortable telling me that he couldn't listen to me right now because a) he's too bothered about other things b) his need to be listened to is greater than mine c) he's annoyed with me about something d) any other reason….. but agree to make time in the very near future to hear what I have to say. He could tell me if what I want to talk about isn't of any interest to him and why. In general terms, I can accept that but not if it has anything to do with our relationship. Perhaps we should schedule time for OR talk to be separate from other talking but I'm not particularly comfortable formalising it like that, it makes me feel like we are sticking OR in a box until 8pm on a Tuesday and the rest of our life is somehow separate and different.

What I'm trying to do with these goals is to say "Hey, please be interested in the things that are important to me because I need to feel that you care about them as much as the things that are important to you. I need you to do that for me. I need you to please look after my feelings in a loving and caring way. I need to feel as if I'm special in your life, that the person I am on the inside and show on the outside is loved because of my being who I am, feeling what I feel and acting how I act. I am happy with who I am, I need to hear and see that you are happy and love me for who I am." I just don't know how to say that in other words, or in action-oriented terms. I know these are needs and not goals, but I'm sorry Michele, I'm kind of stuck here. I know I have to turn these needs around into words and actions but my brain seems to be blocked. I have asked myself, how do I do it, what do I say and do that shows these same things to him but all I can come up with is that I am a naturally empathetic kind of person, I automatically work at understanding how he feels and why. Some women are more empathetic than some men. If I am and he isn't, how do I promote that kind of behaviour in him? He takes all the kindness, caring, consideration etc. etc. from me and he likes what he gets. Yet he cannot be that way back. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad person, he is kind and caring and considerate in superficial ways but it's the deeper connection that I don't get and am struggling with how to communicate so that I do get it. I hope I am making sense here.

I know men don't relish deep and meaningful OR talk, but it doesn't always have to be that. There are so many other things to talk about that give lots of information about a person and who they are, their views and opinions, the things they aren't interested in just as much as the things they are interested in. I would like us to start from the beginning, like about the second date, and find out who we are married to. Let curiosity and interest put the questions in your head that come out through your mouth. Yes, we did this in the beginning, but after we were married, having children straight away, moving jobs and moving houses, it somehow stopped and was never started again. We were always too busy doing other things. That's what I would like to start again now. Forget the assumptions and taking for granted, the wrong ideas of feelings, and rebuild that connection and love between us. So how do I do that? Should one of my goals be to make time to talk about ourselves?

I'll stop here before I tangle myself up any more.

Over to you.

Joanne


[This message has been edited by Joanne (edited 08-26-2000).]