Dear Joanne, Well, we're off and running. Good girl! You did your homework! Let me give you some feedback. ****************************************** You said: I have to admit straightaway that I have thought about this all day and don't seem to get a handhold on it.
Actually, setting goals can be quite challenging. Thanks for your honesty. You did better in regards to your goals about financial issues and togetherness issues than your first goal, but I'll help you with all of it.
Three things that I would like to achieve in my marriage.
I would very much like him to treat me at least as well as he does other people. I would like him to be interested in me, who I am and how I feel about everything and anything. I need him to initiate talking that isn't about him or his job or other people, but is about me, him and us. And I need him to listen and really absorb what I say about my feelings.
Now, what I want you to do for each of your sentences is to ask yourself, "What will my husband be DOING or SAYING when: a) he is treating you as well as he treats others b) he is interested in you and your feelings c) he is really interested and absorbed in what you are saying.
What are the actions you will see? What will he be saying? You have to be specific. You're right when you say that you aren't specific enough here. So start again, okay?
Secondly, no other person in the world, no matter how much he adores you, will be interested in everything you say and do. I know you're a really interesting person, but you're asking too much here. Sometimes he might be preoccupied, uptight, depressed and he won't be very intrigued. Other times, what interests you might be incredibly boring to him. That's life. You can't expect perfection, so come up with a more realistic, and more specific goal.
And finally, it is often the case that women, more than men, initiate conversations about their relationships. Your husband is no different from most men in this regard. I would suggest that you not expect him to initiate these conversations, but rather, that he learn how to become more responsive to you during these conversations. I think you will have a much better chance of feeling fulfilled. You need to understand and accept that he may never yearn for these kinds of conversations in the same way you do. Men and women are different. Although there are some men who enjoy talking about their relationships, many don't cherish the thought of it. I have a cartoon where a couple is out to dinner at a restaurant and there is a sign on the wall that reads, "Thank you for not talking about your relationship." She is grimacing, he is smiling. So there you have it. You may not like my saying this, but after working with thousands of couples...I'm just telling you like it is.
So I would suggest that you pick a new goal, one that would describe what he will be doing when he is genuinely participating in discussions about the two of you.
Now, in regards to the seven issues below, ask yourself the same question I told you to ask yourself above, “What will he be doing differently when he…..Make sure you are describing what he is doing rather than what he will stop doing. But I do want to say this. I suggested that you pick two or three things you want to improve about your marriage. Each one of the things below is a goal. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. It will frustrate both of you.
There are a lot of issues in that one area.
1. Making me feel my feelings are important to him. 2. Respect for me and what I say. 3. Him remembering the feelings I talk about and taking care of them because that's an important thing for him to do. 4. Him getting defensive - and that's not because I'm attacking or criticising, it's because he doesn't deal with feelings, especially mine. 5. Him looking for the problem and trying to fix it by telling me how I should feel. 6. Him telling me that I shouldn't feel what I feel, that I'm wrong to feel that way. 7. The subject being changed to something he wants to say about something I've done that he doesn't like.
Finances - I would like him to take more responsibility over the finances and the budget by:
1. Making a permanent record of what has to go out every month and when. 2. Paying bills on time. 3. Dealing with problems up front so that we can plan a solution. 4. Talking about it - NO SURPRISES. 5. Talking and planning it so that I don't have to get a job to make up for the shortfalls due to bad planning.
You did a good job with your financial goals. Good! Only one suggestion…plan a meeting time.
Togetherness -
I would like us to do and enjoy doing more things together by:
1. One night a week doing one thing together that he wants to do and one night a week doing one thing that I want to do together. 2. Spend 3 nights a week with the TV totally off, no computers allowed and do something else that's fun. 3. Exercise together with nobody being boss.
This is good too. You were very specific for the most part. A couple of suggestions. Start with one night a week without the computer. That’s because if you fulfilled goal 1- you will be together two nights already. Add a computer-free night to that and you have half the week. That’s a good start. Secondly, when you say, “nobody being boss,” again, what will you both be doing differently when that happens?
Hope this all makes sense. You have your work cut out for you now. You have to fine tune things a bit. I hope you noticed that the fuzziest goals were the ones you’ve probably pleaded for ad nauseum over the many years of your marriage. I hope you can now see that you might not have been as clear or as realistic as you need to be if you want to have a loving and happy marriage. Anyway, I hope this helps. Let’s keep this going. Michele
[This message has been edited by Michele (edited 08-25-2000).]
