Don't talk with her today. Not with this mindset. Wisdom is learning from others mistakes. Many people here have made the same mistake. You're trying to burn a bridge just so you can have control over your sitch...you can't and having that convo won't help. If anything it reduces your choices and opportunities.
Take a week to pray on it. What's one week when your faced with the convo your gearing yourself up for.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
HO, I posted something on my thread that was partly addressed to you but sadly, there are many more who it applies to. You CAN choose to give up, that IS your choice but doing so in hopes that your suffering ends there is probably not the right reason.
I understand your frustration, I've been there and back SEVERAL times but each time I realize that I have goals that I have not achieved and still have a LOT more work to be done, even in within the f'ed up confines of my battered marriage.
I hope you make the decision that will truly lead to your peace and happiness. I too hope you give this some more thought and do NOT react from emotion.
Quote: Why fight for a marraige that neither one of us want.I still love my W will all my heart but I don't think either one of us will be happy again with our marraige.
You're not supposed to be fighting for a marriage that neither of you want. You're supposed to be fighting for the chance to CHANGE this unfulfilling marriage into the one of your dreams.
But of course bailing out is an option.
Why stick around and repair the gift you've already been given when you can trade it for a life of going home at 2 with a "10" only to wake up at 10 with a "2". Yeah, now THAT'S really living. I can see how that might tempt you.
Can you live up to your name and hang on a little longer?
Have you earned the right to quit?
I'm going to read back through to get more familiar with the details of your sitch but right off the bat I can tell you that you're tired and losing hope so you want to throw in the towel. When you feel that way you have to FREEZE. Don't do anything. Don'y say anything.
I know that I am about to fall from the rope I am haning onto. I just can't stand to stay in limbo any longer. I found out about the affair 5 months ago. I have done everything she has asked. I have given her space, went to counseling, even filled out divorce papers together at one point(although we never filed them). I can no longer sit back and act as if nothing is going even though I know better. I am tired of her diciding for me this is a choice I am making on my own. I am tired of being controlled.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
Quote: I just can't stand to stay in limbo any longer.
Why not? So ONE more day is one too many?
Quote: I found out about the affair 5 months ago. I have done everything she has asked. I have given her space, went to counseling, even filled out divorce papers together at one point(although we never filed them).
Ok so why not start doing what YOU want to do for a change and why can't that be something OTHER than giving up?
I don't recall reading in DB or DR where we have to do ANYTHING the WAS says to do. Sure, we give them space but you know what, we do that because WE need space from their toxic $hit. We give them time because we KNOW it works for us, not against us. It has NOTHING to do with them and everything to do with us and our goals. So freaking what if it happens to coincide with what they want?
Quote: I can no longer sit back and act as if nothing is going even though I know better. I am tired of her diciding for me this is a choice I am making on my own. I am tired of being controlled.
Good. I am glad you are finally ready to start making choices rather than doing what "she asks". The problem is that you are STILL just reacting to the situation and not because you want something different. You only know you DON'T want the pain and anger anymore so you are doing what seems right. I hope you are right, but as many people here have found out when making such decisions, you may not be right but when you realize that, it's too late to turn back.
Don't act out of fear. Act out of clear understanding of what YOU want and if you don't know exactly what that is, then it's best to hold off on making any decisions until you do. In the end, that's all up to you.
Depending on just what you "do" when you "give up" you may end up finally understanding what detaching really means. As I always say, sometimes it takes getting to this point, where there seems to be nothing else to do BUT to detach, or if you'd prefer "give up" before many people get the whole idea of choosing detachment and REALLY doing DB justice.
I am not saying it's the right thing to do but often this state of giving up is what it takes for you to understand just what your options REALLY are.
What I hope you DON'T do is try to force the issue with your W, thinking that your going to give up by way of final ultimatum. If you must walk away, just walk away and try to move on. If you feel you want to issue the ultimatum then I think you are not being honest with yourself that you are "done".
I have no intintions of offering an ultimatum. I really believe our R has crossed the line of no return. I hold no grudge against her. We are all human and no one person is perfect. It is not like we have been close and everything was perfect. We have had a lot of bad years together. I suspicions of a failing marraige 1.5 years ago. I don't blaim her. I am half of the problem. I think it just took her moving out for me to relize that I don't need her to make me happy. I have to be happy myself.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
It is not like I am giving up after only 3 weeks. That may be how long I have been on here, but I have been dealing with this for 5 months. She didn't have any trouble moving out of our home after 11 years of marraige. Why should have any problems with cutting her loose for good.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
Quote: Why should have any problems with cutting her loose for good.
You said it yourself.
Quote: Two Daughters 5 and 2
That's 2 reasons why you have to fight a lot longer than even 5 months. Does she exhibit any of the signs of MLC? Sorry if you have already addressed that previously, but I'm curious. Want to know how long it took me to fight my way back from an MLC? 2 and half years just to get STARTED.
