Quote: Well, tonight may be the last night the W and I ever sleep in the same bed together. I am leaving tomorrow after work to go camping for the weekend. I can tell that she was bummed abit this morning when I left for work so I am sure it is bothering her also. I am trying to stay strong and act as if everthing is OK but this is so hard. I want to hold and tell her not to tear our family apart.
I am sorry to hear that. I remember the day I moved out. Now I spend alot of time dreaming of the day I can go home. Hopefully this seperation will be relatively short for you. good luck.
Here's the thing. While it hurts like hell to have this happen, you can look at it in a way that may lessen that pain. You STILL will see your kids and this CAN make it easier to DB. I know I have posted many a time that sometimes I really wish my W was not around me 24/7 as a CONSTANT reminder of what she did/what I don't have. It takes a different kind of strength to suffer that fate. I know its REALLY hard to deal with the uncertainty of what may be about to happen but please give yourself the solace of knowing that it's just a different path to the same two outcomes, staying together or splitting apart and in my opinion, her leaving does NOT necessarily make it more likely she'll eventually leave the marriage for good.
Grieve what you feel you are losing and then get to the work at hand of rebuilding your life in YOUR likeness, not hers or the family. Work on identifying those parts of you/your life you want to change or grow and then DO IT. Any time you find you have to yourself, FILL IT with things you LOVE to do, even if you don't particularly feel like doing them because of all this. Eventually, you WILL want to and no matter what, even going through the motions will help you learn how to do it for real.
Keep your chin up and please, keep posting. We can help.
I think GH is right here, completely and utterly right, and just seeing his answer to you has helped me as well. Grasshopper, you're good - but I repeat myself !!
Thanks for the reply's. I don't know if I could be this strong without the support of this group. I am trying to follow the DB rules to the letter although it is tough at times. She did call me at work just a little bit ago to talk about soccer for our D5. This has been a rarity these last few months. She used to call me at work all the time just to talk about whatever, but in recent months she quit doing it. Maybe a sign that she wanted to hear my voice? Probably not but it was nice anyway.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
Like I just posted to PMD, you may want to consider doing a 180 and not be available when she calls next time. Again, like I said to him, you don't have to do it all the time, maybe just once to see how it feels both to you AND her. I know you want to talk to her, but more than that, you WANT HER to WANT to talk to you and it's hard for her to do that when she thinks she can just "get" you whenever she wants. She will have to understand that IF she goes, she WILL NOT have your constant attention and should NOT expect to. If she wants that, she can stay and agree to work on the marriage.
Thanks dee. It's pretty generic DB stuff really but it's the core of DB that is SO hard to adhere to sometimes. The idea that we have to sacrifice our "right" to be miserable in order to embark on the less traveled path towards self fulfillment, is a really tough pill to swallow. It just feels so RIGHT to be miserable and hate her, the world, God, whatever. It feels SO wrong to love the world, her and especially OURSELVES right now but it's what it takes to move forward through this.
There is an idea, I think in the Four Agreements, that suggests that truly aware people never just "get through", or endure a day or experience because to "get through" something is to deny the positive power of change contained in every moment, every day and every experience. To "get through" something you are already saying that it has NO value to you and thus it's something to be suffered long enough to get to the next thing. According to the philosophy, the better thing to do is to accept the reality of a situation and learn from it what you can instead of denying it. Denying an experience makes that part of your life spent doing it totally useless.
Of course, I read the book some time ago and paraphrased quite a bit but I think I got the essence. That idea is why I try to never say "well, I got through that day ok..." or "How do I get through this situation?" It's just a mindset that I think can help you learn from EVERY situation, not just the really good or important ones.
GH
P.S. Wow, haven't done THAT for awhile...off the soapbox now...
Four Agreements 1) be impeccible with your word 2) don't take anything personal 3) never make assumptions 4) always do your best
Don Miguel also talks about why we as a civilization have been brought up to punish ourselves over and over for past mistakes. Did you mess up one day DBing, sorry, get over it and start over.
He also wrote a book on love. The thing that really stood out is our desire to control our spouses, to not let them explore what they need to in their lives, even if it is without us...this is not love, this is a need to possess.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
Thanks for the expansion and posting of the Agreements. That book was a real eye-opener, a little too esoteric for me but all in all, I think a must read for most everyone.
I am so sad that you are in the same boat that I have put myself in. We were not on the same side of the fence originally, but we certainly are now.
I was reading your thread and could really identify with much of your experience, thoughts, and emotions. My W and I have a D5 and a S9mos. I had the A and my W voted me out of the house and has come down firm in her position that she is through. I have chosen to DB alone, delicately.
She is out dating and I have stopped asking questions b/c I don't want any details. It's bad enough that I know, and I console myself with the thought that the Lord and I want our M to succeed and that she MUST get this activity out of her system for our M to ever have a chance to reconcile and rebuild. I do believe it would be worse if she was lying and behaving this way and WE were supposedly working on our M again.
Well...anyway, that's how I am keeping my head on straight. That and focusing on our children and working on GAL so that I can honestly tell her, "No, I am busy. Sorry." When I am busy, I don't focus on things that I have no control over.
Every day I get stronger as I frequent this site and have been working on venturing out to other threads and offering my insight and opinion of other's sitches. I feel akin to other posters who feel my pain and offer their time, effort, and energy to others they really don't know but feel a closeness with nonetheless. I truly feel that my spirituality is nurtured here and that I am made to feel stronger and complete due to typing out my feelings to caring folks here.
Keep posting and reading other threads. You will often find YOUR situration attached to another's name and truly be able to identify with it and cull advice and direction that will be helpful and make sense to you. Good luck, friend. Keep on fightin' the good fight.
Quote: WINSTON CHURCHILL- Never, never, never, never give up.
I am with you, brother. Keep on keepin'on. This battle is more important to you than it is to anyone else, as my battle is to me. Work with me to control our responses to sitches we do not like, remember:
Quote: Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance. -BRUCE BARTON
Believe with me, brother! We are equal to the task at hand, we just don't control all of the circumstances. We do, however, control what is most important: our minds. Our minds create our thoughts, which determine our emotions/beliefs, which drive our will/behavior.
Quote: My counselor asked me one time, "Do you think you can brainwash yourself?" I said, "Uh, sure." Looking incredulously at me, she said, "Well, you brainwashed yourself into believeing a bunch of negative garbage about yourself by affirming it over and over. You certainly can do the same thing with positive thoughts by affirming them in the same way. Do you see?"
!! 