Here is my sitch. All advice welcome

[Hanging__On]

Thanks GH for checking out the mess I am in. I am having a hard time this morning. She told me she is going to move out this weekend while I am out of town (just great). I will probably come home to an empty house. Your right about me focusing to much on what she is doing, but damn, how can I not focus on her destroying this family that we worked so hard to build. I think I am just freaking out because when I get home this weekend from camping I will officially be seperated. I am having to answer lots of questions from my D5. She is really upset at wife for not comeing camping with us. I feel like I am at the point of hating everything that see is doing and I don't know if I can ever forgive what she is doing.

[grasshopper]

Wow, that is tough and I really do hate to point out that I have not gone through that...yet.

All I can say is that you WILL feel like $hit about this, before, during, and after. In my mind, it's just too powerful not to. What you CAN do in the meantime, is focus on the kids and do your best to make that trip fun for THEM even though I'm sure you'll be churning away inside. When you get back home, you will just have to see what greets you. If it's truly an empty house then first of all the gloves of deceit in terms of D5 are off. I think she needs to be told what's going on in a way, as hard as this may be, that allows her to still love mommy AND daddy and try not to place too much blame. Really, I hesitate to give this advice because I think there are better qualified people out there...help anyone? Anyway, I think for your own sake, you need to stop walking on egg shells around D5. She knows something is up already.

I feel for you man, I really do. I hope you can go through this and whatever happens, realize that after this weekend, with or without W in your home, you are going to need to start getting YOUR head and heart in order. You're going to have to become your own best friend and do the best you can for your kids because you're likely to be the one in the best position to do that right now.

Be good to you. Be excellent to your kids and be lovingly detached from your W until she decides what she's up to.

GH

[stillhangin]

Thanks GH for checking out the mess I am in. I am having a hard time this morning. She told me she is going to move out this weekend while I am out of town (just great). I will probably come home to an empty house. Your right about me focusing to much on what she is doing, but damn, how can I not focus on her destroying this family that we worked so hard to build. I think I am just freaking out because when I get home this weekend from camping I will officially be seperated. I am having to answer lots of questions from my D5. She is really upset at wife for not comeing camping with us. I feel like I am at the point of hating everything that see is doing and I don't know if I can ever forgive what she is doing.

I am constantly asked questions by S5, he always wants to know when I'm coming back to the "red house". He always wants to know why I'm mad or what is going on. I don't lie to him but I don't give him adult expanations either. Itell him that I can't come home yet. I haven't found a good reason why I can't I just tell him I need to live at grandmas for a while. The one thing I never ever do is talk badly about my W i front of the kids. I constantly remind them that we both love them very much. I think that is all you can really do at this point.

[doug01]

Hanging_on,

Stop everything you are doing and thinking right now. I want you to clear your mind, deep breaths. You have a D5 and D2. Let's say that 5yrs down the road you are divorced (hopefully it won't come to that, but what if). What kind of R do you want with current W. How do you want the kids to see the two of you interact? You both want to share holidays, b-days, sporting events, piano lessons, ballat, etc... Your behavior starting now determines how healthy your kids will grow up.

It's early for you, you and your W have a lot to go through. What is in your heart? What do you want? and what are you willing to do for it? Spend the time to quietly ask these questions...don't focus on her for now, don't put any pressure on her.

A birthday gift, get her a really nice trash can (or something else she needs for the new place)...tell her you do not want her to move out, but if she needs to in order to give the M hope in the future, you will support her decision. Tell her that what she needs is more important to you that what you need right now.

[grasshopper]

Very well put Doug. I am reminded that sometimes we really need to understand that there IS a way to "DB" through these hard times and get to a place with more solid footing. Your post really impacted me because I realize that I am moving too fast in my own sitch and maybe not giving my W the space she asked for. Time to look at things again and take stock.

Again, very nice.

GH

[Hanging__On]

Yeah it is a tough situation with the kids. My W and I sat the D5 down and I explainded to her that mom and dad are not going to be living together. She has seemed to take it in stride but she will ask question about toys and bedrooms stuff once in a while. I have made a lot of effort to let her know that we lover her and D2 very much and this is not their fault. Just sitting back and watching the W destroy this family is just about all I can handle. I have known her since we were in grade school and we have grown up together. I am no sure how I will handle being on my own in a home that we both wanted so much for us and our children. There is just so much going through my head. I feel like I am losing my mind.

[deezee]

Wow - we have too much in common! I've found distractions and time with my S5 to be very helpful to my mental state, and I also am frequently reminded by my W's behavior that the fact that she is "absolutely sure of what she wants" is a bunch of BS. She's torn to pieces every day. I have noted that giving her more space, but having some expectations of her re the house and son, seem to give her some direction and is actually appreciated. I find that leaving notes is far better than speaking - short, simple, unsigned, reasonable requests - particularly those that are to facilitate your GAL efforts.
Remember - try to make them "for the kids", not you. If we can soothe, however indirectly, their guilt - it just might benefit us in the long run.
It's great to be supportive and kind, but in their mental state they are absolutely attracted to strength - see my thread post about "falling off the DB wagon" this weekend. Just so you know I'm not arrogant about it!! I can't even follow my own advice - this is tough.
Another subtle thing that gets to her: do some things with your children that she used to do alone with them (replacement 180's?).

[doug01]

If you want to stand for your marriage, this is the place to be. You will get a lot of support on the days you feel like giving up...and trust me, there will be a lot of them. The best thing you will take from this is not to overreact to anything, but you will still do that at times.

That's the right thing to tell the D5, you both love them very much. You may even want to consider counselling one of these days. You haven't seen it yet, but she is old enough to realize she has no control over schedules, phone calls, etc...she will most likely act out.

Being alone is very hard at first. It's an uncomfortable / unwanted freedom. I can't explain it, but you will feel it soon. If you don't have any, you need to find some hobbies.

Losing your mind, that's a hard one. Medication can help take the edge off. I prefer to stay away from med's. Maybe someone else can help you here.

[Hanging__On]

Thanks for the great words of advice. It is soothing to know I am not the only one with these kinds of feelings. I wouln't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I have been trying to pinpoint things that have gone wrong in my marraige. I know I have not been perfect and I relize I could have done some things better but I don't think anything I do or say right now will change her mind. I do have some hobbies that I like doing. I usually spend time every year fishing and hunting. The problem is since I found this stuff out I have not done nothing. I need to get back into living life but it is just so darn tough.

[Hanging__On]

Well, tonight may be the last night the W and I ever sleep in the same bed together. I am leaving tomorrow after work to go camping for the weekend. I can tell that she was bummed abit this morning when I left for work so I am sure it is bothering her also. I am trying to stay strong and act as if everthing is OK but this is so hard. I want to hold and tell her not to tear our family apart.