Sorry I took so long to jump in on your sitch. I don't really have an excuse so I am sorry. I am also sorry you are going through this. It sucks for sure.
I think Mama mentioned that my sitch was similar to yours (and said I knew some things, and for that, thanks Mama), well, it is. Have you read my threads? If you started you're probably still reading cuz I've been here awhile and posted a lot.
As for your sitch, my first observation is that you post a LOT about what she does, says and how it makes you feel. What about what YOU do and what YOU say on a daily basis. I find it helps the DB process to start understanding YOUR daily behaviors and feelings and expressing them here so we can either comfort you or help you understand what you could do next.
As for where you are today...
You're hearing and seeing all the same stuff that my W told me; there's nothing to work on, the OM is only a friend, etc. You are reacting to it big time, and it's only natural. So, what to do? The unnatural thing of course, you DB, and by that I mean turn the focus from the A to yourself, detach from her "stuff" and start the process of identifying that in you that needs changing and do 180's or more subtle things to change them. In short, you need to learn how to make yourself happy.
Quote: Tell me this! How are you supposed to sit back and let them lie to you about where they are going and what they are doing.
The simple answer is (ok, not so simple) that until you get it out of your mind that you "let" your W do ANYTHING, you will face pain every time she does something "against the rules." She is not a child with a curfew. She is a grown woman likely doing what she's doing at least in part due to your control issues (just a guess) is not concerned about you "letting" her do anything.
You "let" her do this because, well, you don't have a choice. The choice you DO have is how you let it affect you. You could sit around, light a candle and cry until she gets home (I did this MANY times BTW) OR you could decide to just NOT LET IT AFFECT YOU, and yes, it really is that easy. Oh, making the decision to do it is not easy, but once you do, it works. The problem is that being upset, angry and crying just feels SO right and damnit, aren't we entitled to be upset at our wives cheating on us?
This question also brings up my next point. Throughout all your posts, I get this sense that you are sitting there thinking "How could she DO this to ME???" The thing you HAVE to understand, and understand NOW, is that she is not doing ANYTHING to you. In fact, it's that very thing that kills you so much. The fact that this is NOT about you is what really hurts when you get down to it. She is not considering you and your feelings much AT all when she sees OM. Sure, she may have guilt and such stemming from your history and the kids, but at the end of the day, she is not concerned about your emotional well being. She is concerned about HER life and HER feelings, which is what YOU need to be concerned about. This DB stuff about GAL and detachment is not magic, it's just the most basic, easy way to do turn the tables in YOUR favor and begin to feel BETTER about your life, only part of which is TRULY affected by this sitch.
Quote: I know when I am being lied to I am not stupid.
Nobody thinks you're stupid, especially your W. She knows YOU know where she's going and she cares JUST enough to lie about it. Your W is lying all the time and really there is not much you can do about it. One word of caution, and this comes from experience, you DON'T know when you're being lied to. Sometimes something that you are SURE is untrue, turns out to be true and something you never suspected turns out to be the worst thing. Please, stop thinking you are a human lie detector. Your W could tell you her name right now and it would seem like a lie.
Just understand that no matter what, EVEN if you're right and she is lying about where she's going and what she's doing, you only know that what she says is NOT the truth but what's in your head is almost certainly NOT the truth either. Really, if you don't get anything else from this, get that. Oh, and that also applies to snooping. Whatever you "find out" is out of context and inadmissible in the court of DB. Don't snoop. It only hurts and almost never helps. You will NOT find that email where they both profess their hatred for each other, vowing never to speak to one another again, ain't gonna happen, sorry.
Look, you hold all the cards here. This is YOUR life, not hers. Sure, you have 14 years of history, but it's just that, history. Today is today and you need to live for it.
As for her alleged continuing affair, I made it through my W's affair (which I THINK is over) for 5 months, all the while "letting" her go out and "get her fix", even on Valentines day (WTF!). I know the pain is almost unbearable, but it will continue to be until YOU decide not to let it be.
So, if you are looking for control in all this, realize that you DO have it but not in the way you think. You can control how you react or not. You can decide that your boundary, which if your W crosses means there is no more marriage to work on, is her lying and seeing OM. You can decide that and then communicate it to her, telling her that if she crosses that line then you're gone, then when she does it, you go. It's as simple as that. Of course, your marriage is over that way and you don't want that (I think).
SO, if you can accept that your boundary is somewhere beyond her "lying to your face" which it obviously is, then TRULY accept it and then get over your emotions. Don't let them control you.
I think I am about out of rambling advice for one post. Please take care and I do understand as much as anyone what you are dealing with. I will post when I can.
