Here is my sitch. All advice welcome

[Hanging__On]

I also feel like it will take a miricle to save my marraige. The W is getting everthing ready to move out this weekend I think. She won't actually give me a date but I believe she is shooting for this weekend. I am not sure I can handle this with out getting really upset at her. I think she was up to no good yesterday. She left the house for about 2 1/2 hours and when she returned she looked guilty of something. I did my best to stay upbeat and pretend like I did not notice. It seemed like the more upbeat I acted she was more out of it. I hope the guilt alone eats her up (bad I know). I hope all of you had a better mothers day than I did.

[Hanging__On]

Well I guess today that we are going to seperate the checking and savings accounts. I wish we didn't have to do this but it seems like the right thing to do since we are going to be living in serperate housesholds. She is going to start moving this weekend. Should I help? My Dad even said he would help if she needed it, although he said he wouldn't like it one bit. It amazes me how she can walk around the house like there is not a care in the world. I am having a hard time GAL with all that is going on. Between taking care of the kids and going to work, I don't have much time for anything else. Anyway I am just babbling a little and thought someone could give me some direction.

[deezee]

I'm heading for the same sitch you're in and think the only thing to do is continue with the detachment/GAL plan - nothing is going to change where she is mentally anyway, and at least you can maintain your dignity and be a good father by sticking to DB principles.

I know how badly you'd like an idea that would "work" for you, but there just isn't a magic pill. Stay strong, stay patient, focus on anything but your sitch as as often as you can: it's those little mental breaks that keep you sane, help you sleep, remind you to eat, and allow you to see a future no matter what happens. BELIEVE ME, I know how hard it is. My situation is similar to yours, but she's planning to move into OM's house and take my son with her. Nice, huh? And there's not much I can do to prevent it.

[Hanging__On]

Thanks for the reply deezee. I am working on detachement and GAL but it is hard. My wife and I have decided to try and split time with the kids. I am going to take the kids camping for 5 days on memorial weekend, so I should get some good quality time with them. It is going to seem strange without the wife but I will have lots of family and friends there. My MIL and her husband are also planning to come visit and maybe stay a night. This whole thing just seems so strange and awkward.
We did get our accounts split up yesterday. So I have at least secured half of what was in savings and the checking account. Doing that brought back the memmories of when we first got married and started our accounts together. Amazing how things like that kind remind you of something that happened 11 years ago.

Thanks for all relplys

Trying to stay strong!

[Hanging__On]

So what do I do once the seperation has taken place. Do I try to court my W like we did before we were married or do I just give her space and ask me out. How did everyone else handle it? She doesn't give me the impression that she doesn't want to hang out at all. I guess it will make more sense once she leaves and I have a feel of the situation.

[Hanging__On]

Anyone have any good advice? I miss the small I love you's at night when going to bed. I also miss the simple little kiss goodbye in the mornings. I am wanting to talk about the R with the W but I know that I shouldn't. Her birthday is the weekend and I am not sure what to do for it. All I have gotten her is a birthday that is not real serious. I am thinking about writing how much I lover her but don't know if I should or not. What do you think?

[Hanging__On]

Well here I am again. For whatever reason I am having a lot of anxiety today. I have thought that all week the W was going to move out this weekend because next weekend I am taking the kids camping. Well she has not packed up one thing and has not mentioned when she is leaving. I just feel so much in the dark about what is going on? Her birthday is tomorrow and I still have not gotten her anything. She says she doesn't want nothing, but I feel like I should do something for her. Help?

[oldtimer]

Give W this: respect and space. Respect her wishes not to receive a birthday present from you. Give her space until she moves.

If you knew what she really wanted and needed more than she does herself, you wouldn't be here.

[Hanging__On]

Tell me this! How are you supposed to sit back and let them lie to you about where they are going and what they are doing. I know when I am being lied to I am not stupid. I know she just left to go get her fix. Should I confront her about? It just hurts so darn bad when they lie right to your face. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but she continues to do so without any regret!

[grasshopper]

Hanging on,

Sorry I took so long to jump in on your sitch. I don't really have an excuse so I am sorry. I am also sorry you are going through this. It sucks for sure.

I think Mama mentioned that my sitch was similar to yours (and said I knew some things, and for that, thanks Mama), well, it is. Have you read my threads? If you started you're probably still reading cuz I've been here awhile and posted a lot.

As for your sitch, my first observation is that you post a LOT about what she does, says and how it makes you feel. What about what YOU do and what YOU say on a daily basis. I find it helps the DB process to start understanding YOUR daily behaviors and feelings and expressing them here so we can either comfort you or help you understand what you could do next.

As for where you are today...

You're hearing and seeing all the same stuff that my W told me; there's nothing to work on, the OM is only a friend, etc. You are reacting to it big time, and it's only natural. So, what to do? The unnatural thing of course, you DB, and by that I mean turn the focus from the A to yourself, detach from her "stuff" and start the process of identifying that in you that needs changing and do 180's or more subtle things to change them. In short, you need to learn how to make yourself happy.

Tell me this! How are you supposed to sit back and let them lie to you about where they are going and what they are doing.

The simple answer is (ok, not so simple) that until you get it out of your mind that you "let" your W do ANYTHING, you will face pain every time she does something "against the rules." She is not a child with a curfew. She is a grown woman likely doing what she's doing at least in part due to your control issues (just a guess) is not concerned about you "letting" her do anything.

You "let" her do this because, well, you don't have a choice. The choice you DO have is how you let it affect you. You could sit around, light a candle and cry until she gets home (I did this MANY times BTW) OR you could decide to just NOT LET IT AFFECT YOU, and yes, it really is that easy. Oh, making the decision to do it is not easy, but once you do, it works. The problem is that being upset, angry and crying just feels SO right and damnit, aren't we entitled to be upset at our wives cheating on us?

This question also brings up my next point. Throughout all your posts, I get this sense that you are sitting there thinking "How could she DO this to ME???" The thing you HAVE to understand, and understand NOW, is that she is not doing ANYTHING to you. In fact, it's that very thing that kills you so much. The fact that this is NOT about you is what really hurts when you get down to it. She is not considering you and your feelings much AT all when she sees OM. Sure, she may have guilt and such stemming from your history and the kids, but at the end of the day, she is not concerned about your emotional well being. She is concerned about HER life and HER feelings, which is what YOU need to be concerned about.
This DB stuff about GAL and detachment is not magic, it's just the most basic, easy way to do turn the tables in YOUR favor and begin to feel BETTER about your life, only part of which is TRULY affected by this sitch.

I know when I am being lied to I am not stupid.

Nobody thinks you're stupid, especially your W. She knows YOU know where she's going and she cares JUST enough to lie about it. Your W is lying all the time and really there is not much you can do about it.
One word of caution, and this comes from experience, you DON'T know when you're being lied to. Sometimes something that you are SURE is untrue, turns out to be true and something you never suspected turns out to be the worst thing. Please, stop thinking you are a human lie detector. Your W could tell you her name right now and it would seem like a lie.

Just understand that no matter what, EVEN if you're right and she is lying about where she's going and what she's doing, you only know that what she says is NOT the truth but what's in your head is almost certainly NOT the truth either. Really, if you don't get anything else from this, get that. Oh, and that also applies to snooping. Whatever you "find out" is out of context and inadmissible in the court of DB. Don't snoop. It only hurts and almost never helps. You will NOT find that email where they both profess their hatred for each other, vowing never to speak to one another again, ain't gonna happen, sorry.

Look, you hold all the cards here. This is YOUR life, not hers. Sure, you have 14 years of history, but it's just that, history. Today is today and you need to live for it.

As for her alleged continuing affair, I made it through my W's affair (which I THINK is over) for 5 months, all the while "letting" her go out and "get her fix", even on Valentines day (WTF!). I know the pain is almost unbearable, but it will continue to be until YOU decide not to let it be.

So, if you are looking for control in all this, realize that you DO have it but not in the way you think. You can control how you react or not. You can decide that your boundary, which if your W crosses means there is no more marriage to work on, is her lying and seeing OM. You can decide that and then communicate it to her, telling her that if she crosses that line then you're gone, then when she does it, you go. It's as simple as that. Of course, your marriage is over that way and you don't want that (I think).

SO, if you can accept that your boundary is somewhere beyond her "lying to your face" which it obviously is, then TRULY accept it and then get over your emotions. Don't let them control you.

I think I am about out of rambling advice for one post. Please take care and I do understand as much as anyone what you are dealing with. I will post when I can.

GH