It was a year ago tonight that my H confessed his affair to me. I had always thought that those words from my H would be the hardest ones to swallow, but at that point in time, it was almost a relief. I had gone through months with knowing there was something wrong and being accused of being suspicious etc. I was almost relieved to know that I wasn't going crazy. I'm not sure how I got through that. Yes I do. I came to this board about 3 times a day to get advice. And I followed it to a tee. None of it made sense to me..the making yourself better...the detachment...the unconditional love. but I did it anyway. I have read Michelle's book at least a half dozen times. It makes more sense now than it did at first, maybe because my life is not in crisis now. Last night my h was holding me while we were sitting in front of a fire outside and was telling me how much he loved me. He told me that the only thing that burned brighter than the fire was his love for me. Sounds corny, but I wanted romance and that's what he was trying to give me. I told him that my definition of romance has changed. What was really romantic was when he got off work at midnight and went to the next town where he went to the town shed and was shoveling mulch into the back of his truck for my flower gardens (he got permission first). That is romantic and that is how he shows his love for me. I had many accolades at work this year...it was a big one for me. One of my colleagues who new about my H's affair told me at the end of the school year that she was thankful that I brought some attention to our school. I told her that none of that mattered to me. The only thing that mattered to me was that I kept my family together. We both were in tears by then. An affair does not have to mean the end of a marriage. Over the past year I have thought a lot about my H and his affair. I forgave him a long time ago. Forgetting will never happen. I have become a different person because of it...and I think it is all for the best. I always think before I speak, now. I make a decision as to whether what I want to say or complain about is really worth the consequences that will follow. I am ever so attentive to my husband....even when I am so tired that I can hardly move. But he is the same way to me. I don't ask questions about his affair that I don't really want to know the answers to. She is nothing to me and I don't make her an issue ever. I don't ever throw anything in his face. He made a mistake and we're chalking it up to that.
Our anniversary is Aug. 24th. it will be 15 years of marriage then. Last year we took the boys to a baseball game at a field that my H had taken the OW only a few weeks before. I had all I could do to hold back the tears the whole time. Not even a mention of our anniversary was made until late that night when I told him for what it was worth, happy anniversary. Ihope I had given him at least some good memories.
He went to a golf clinic today and then off to work. He called 3 times just to tell me he missed me and that he loved me. We are taking the boys on a family vacation this Friday. It is a whole different summer than it was last year.
Believe me folks. I know the pain of rebuilding and the toll it is taking on you. The betrayed spouse seems to have to work harder because we are the ones with our heads screwed on the right way (although it may not seem that way to you). I believe that while my H was carrying on, he was really looking for help. That when he told me about the affair he wanted me to make the decisions for him.. But I found the strength somewhere within to let him make all his decisions. And he decided to stay and be part of our marriage again.
The one thing I don't understand is the attitude of some family members. Although our boys and I have forgiven him, some family members have made it perfectly clear that they want nothing to do with him. That breaks my heart, because he is really trying. I hope in time they will come around. But aside from that, life is good. I wish the best for each and everyone on this board...with or without your spouse. Remember..you are good and definitely worth it. For those of you who are where I am...Kudos. For those of you still in limbo...patience. It is all worth it in the end. Thanks to all of you who have listened and helped. It has meant so much to me. I may have been in the divorce thread had I not found you all in time. Much love to all. Karen
