Hey everyone - I'm fine, really. I sort of have a good feeling about this move out - odd huh?
She was simply a basket case. I think the one good thing is is that her stuff IS here and it would be easier to make this work than to find another place and move it all again. I seriously think she has realized that she needs to take a good look at herself and realize that she could lose me! I beleive in her mind she is taking the steps needed to get herself stable and face her problems head on and deal with them. Up to this point she was to indicisive.

I'm not done and I know it - I'm just more comfortable with who I am and what I want. I actually feel OK with this all.

At some point she needs to decide that she's going to recommit. She is just still to tied to OM right now to be close to me. Not that she's seeing him or anything (that I can tell). That is why Retrovialle was to soon for us. When they say 3rd parties need to be gone - I now understand why. The thing is, I didn't realize how emotionally attached she still was. Physical contact is one thing - but after that, time for the emotional stuff needs to wear off to. I was concerned with this going into Retrouvialle and I should've addressed the issue but I left that up to her and she not only did us a diservice, but also the Retrouvialle folks.

I did get some good supporters from Retrouville. I have emailed one presenter who made it through the similiar hell that we're all going through and he helped me with what to expect. (Their doing well now)!!
I also was able to call one of the other presenters and he got me through the crisis ( I even called him at 2am the night she pulled away and slept on the couch and said some things that REALLY cut to the bone. I broke and had to leave. I left and sat in front of the church and talked to him for 2 hours on my cell phone) He told me she's not ready and under the cercumstances, she should be seeing a counselor. He told me to be prepared for her to leave. Two days later, she did.

The Retrouvialle is intense and a GREAT experience. But the 3rdd party thing is for real for the program requires BOTH couples full attention and energy to at least heave the ABILITY to be focused on them exclusively.

We went to the 1st post but when the 2nd one came she said she wasn't strong enough to attend. I felt for her and stayed to. When I talked to the presentor - he told me to get my a$$ to the next one regardless of her and that I simply feel right into her trap by not attending. The fact that she said she would feel like an a$$ if I went without her was her problem - not mine. He is direct and to the point - I like him. He doesn't pull any punches. I did attend the 3rd post and I'm glad I did. I recorded it for her if she cares to listen. I listened to it again as it was so uplifting and gave me so much insight to myself as to who I am.

No, we stopped dialoguing. I was and it got to the point she felt to pressured to perform so to speak. She has however said that she is more stable now and wants to start again. I have been doing some dialoguing to myself and it is helpful. I leave it in a place where she is free to read it if she likes. The basic idea is that she receives no pressure from me giving it to her. I have let her know she is free to pick it up and read it. I also am following the guidance of the presentors here on how to handle this. They are good and seem like family.

She did mention that she realizes that she really doesn't need old OM like she thought she did. So I'm hoping that the withdrawals are subsiding.

I did ask at the last one about what to do about missed posts. They said that we could make them up after the next one. I really would like to. I do think that W will attend the next one.

As far as associations, hows this.
I felt that when she was here it was like tending to someone with anerexia. All they need to do is eat to get better. However, the patient can't understand it - and neither can those around you. You can't do anything for them to help-- you just watch. That is how I felt when she was here. I wanted to make her feel better as she was so miserable but there wasn't anything I could do - it's something she needs to do.
I finally realized that and FELT it.

I somehow KNOW this will all work out. I have faith that God will be there and see to it.

Tonight I gave her the printouts from Michele's board. "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself", "Why should I be the one to change", "WAW", and the others she has posted there. She was very receptive. When I went to leave I simply got up and said "Well, I'll see ya later." and started walking to the door. She said "It's OK to give me a hug" to which I said "It works both ways". She then came up to me and I stared straight into her eyes with that "I'm going to kiss you look" and even started to draw close but then stopped and just gave the hug. I then went to pull away and she wouldn't let go. So I think we are still dancing - it's just that I feel like I'm the one leading now.

I know I didn't address everyone individually but I think I answered everyone.

Good luck and God bless you and your families as your all in my prayers.