Is been a few months since I posted anything. I thought our problem was getting better. But he slipped back into the same old pattern.
I've been married 3 years. #2 for me, #3 for him. My first lasted 21 years but shouldn't have lasted more that 1 year. A good man really, good father, really loved me. But its a long story..The short of it is after many years of lying to myself and working so hard at it, I finally escaped from the "marothon marriage"
Within a year, I met my current husband and in less that a year we were married. This marriage started right, and for the right reasons. At least on my part. I fell head over heals in love. Something that I refused to believe existed for most of my life. I discovered alot about myself too. My 1st H and I were each others first. Our sex life was good and bad. It was good when I let him have it. But I don't know how he put up with the lack of sex for so long. I was really cold about sex. Lots of hang ups. I thought it was just the way I was. He thought the same. Now isn't it ironic that the shoe is one the other foot. If my 1st H new of the situation, he would laugh (and then probably cry) because he still has strong feelings for me and I know it would make him sad to know how unhappy I am. Anyway, the problem with 2nd is really bad sex is ruining our marriage. It was bad from the beginning, but I thought we would learn (he would learn) and become more comfortable, then talk honestly and show each other how to please. I started trying to talk about the problem about 4 months into the marriage. With the most gentle words I knew, I tried to explain what I needed to be able to "get there". He took it really bad. Tears and everything, totally misunderstood. Told me if I wasn't happy he would understand if I wanted out of our marriage! Wow! I couldn't figure out how I had given that message. So I back pedaled as fast as I could and dropped the subject. Funny thing...the next morning...he made a comment while shaving..."About last night..I understand..Sometimes a man needs to be shook up a bit" That was it. Subject closed.. he obviously was not comfortable with further discussion so I let it drop.
For the next few weeks, I could tell he was trying to please me. But oh, how he wasn't. He was rough and hurried and obviously did not know what to do. But I was pleased that he loved me enough to try, so I let it go.
A month or two later, I tried again to talk about what I needed. No good. and over and over again I approached the subject every few weeks. I bought video tapes on "how to" I bought books and pre read them, highlighting what I wanted to tell him. These were a waste of money..he wouldn't even pick them up. He says he viewed the video once when I wasnt' home. I asked "what did you think", "they were okay"he said..What do you mean, "did you see or hear anything that you didn't know before? he replied "yes, a little" well what did you think? i asked, They were okay" he said agian.
Nothing changed. Except that he started falling asleep earlier and earlier. And the frequency of ML settled into once weekly.. hey..thats really ok with me if it was satisfying sex. But I only had an orgasm once out of 3 or 4 times. thats less that one orgasm per month. And it was only achieved through my effort. I had to find just the right position during intercourse to get there. Thats really hard for me and I know a lot of wemon can't achieve orgasm during intercourse.
Pretty soon I was feeling like my cat before I got her fixed. Oh my God was I horny. But worse than that, I was feeling unloved. My thoughts were, if he loved me, he would try to learn how to please me. I couldn't help but see a similarity between his attitude toward sex with me and mine with my 1st H. That was scarry as heck.
After a few more months of frustration, I started getting bitchy. Real bitchy. My frustration was turning into anger. I still tried to approach the subject but with much less kindness. I was very direct. It did no good.
Finally, I said I was gonna see a MC. This shook him up. But the counselor what terrible. I gave up basically. Until I found this message board. someone suggested a special councelor for sex problems. I found one. and yesterday had my first session. His turn is next. She sent me home with homework. Just a basic test which we are each to do separtely and not show the other but turn into her. I guess so she will know more about us and how we think. Also, a few exercises for us to do together. Conversation starters. He is avoiding them. Even though he said he is willing to try this. He hates it.
Something I have figured out about him is that he hates to talk about sex. Or anything to do with wemon. Early in our relationship, I mentioned to him that I was using a diaphram for contriception. I wanted to know if he was bothered at all by it. (did it rub or anything?) He said whats a diaphram? When I started to explain, he quickly cut me off and said he didn't want to know. (weird) ok..then I gradually became aware that I could make him turn 3 shades of red just by saying the word "uterus" or "period" Basically, I was discovering that he had a huge lack of knowledge about the female body and that trying to educate him totally grossed him out. No wonder he would go down. And even when he manually attempted to warm me up, he seemed to not really like getting his hand dirty! Oh boy...this was going to be more of a battle that I thought. Hince, the sex counselor.
Basically my point of this message is to say we are at the end of our rope...I'm scared..I'm afraid he will decide this is just too much work.. He has said many times that if we don't work out, he'll never get involved with a women again. I believe this. He has been burned to many times, and I think he might just be ruined as far as being marriage material. I love him so much. I'm ruined too, because I can't see myself every wanting anyone but him.
We have agreed to put sex aside for a while until we have had time to work with the counselor..Last night, lying on his shoulder..I wanted him so bad. His warm skin, the smell of him, even his breathing as he feel asleep made me hot. Then I cried, he never knew, I've been doing that alot in the past 3 years.
I know this was a long story..but actually i left out alot of details. Thank you to anyone patient enough to read it all. any comments are welcome.
Ssbunny: I noticed that no one has replied to your thread. While I can’t speak for others, it seemed to me that you were just kind of venting and not really seeking help on any specific questions. If that is the case, then I hope getting it out helped. Though, if you would like any specific feedback, it might help to clearly identify your questions.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Has H talked about the sex in his previous 2 marriages? The first thing that I thought of was that this is a pattern and could have been the root of the dimise of the previous Ms.
Yes! I do think its a pattern. And the 1st two wives were probably to young to know how to deal with it. But also, I don't think they really loved Richard the way I do.
The first wife was married to him for 9 years. And it endend when he acutally caught her in bed with his best friend and business partner. Then about 9 years later, he discovered that the children she had while they were married were not his (DNA proved it) And that she had been sleeping with that friend since the 2nd year of their marriage. And the really suprising thing is he claims to not had any clue as to what was going on! The therapist told me it was very unusual for a person to not know when his partner is cheating. and for that long! She really doubts this.
You're correct. I was primarily venting, thanks for your response. And although I was venting, I would and do appreciate any thoughts on this subject.
Specific questions?
1. What's the best way to teach someone not to be inhibited? Is this even possible?
2. Should I just be happy for what he can give and quit wanting the feelings to be behind it?
3. What if he gets frustrated with all the work and gives up.
With things left as they were, our marriage would eventually be ruined. I would get more resentful and then mean, and then he would start hating me, then its over. I'm really scared.
At least I know the answer to one question. Thanks to the MC...I AM NOT ABNORMAL in my physical desires! And SEX IS IMPORTANT to a good marriage. The MC says, "sex is a small part of a good marriage when it is good, but its a huge part if it is bad"
Quote: At least I know the answer to one question. Thanks to the MC...I AM NOT ABNORMAL in my physical desires! And SEX IS IMPORTANT to a good marriage. The MC says, "sex is a small part of a good marriage when it is good, but its a huge part if it is bad"
ssbunny, did I ever need to read this! Tell me how your counselor is helping you deal? Is it possible? I think that more and more it is not. Are you considering staying in a bad sex M, and if so, how do you cope?
