I read a short piece on in -validation the other day.
Quote: Have you ver been walking down the street and absent mindedly singing aloud(or talking) to yourself and walked past another person who has given you a wide berth and a strange look?....
Then you have been invalidated...firstly by yourself who wanted not to "appear" weird or oddball (you have internalized conforming to the norm,reinforced once again by the other persons "avoidance"of you...) its very important to notice that we ultimately invalidate ourselves, and our responsible for allowing ourselves to be invalidated by another. Hence Schnarch differentiating, and self hugging.
We do seem often to invalidate people as a everday norm....for instance
Even when we are happy, unhappy people want to ruin it for us by saying diminishing things like: What are you so happy about? That's it? That's all you are so excited about?
There was an expression . It was "Who put a quarter in you?" (a quarter was once enough to startup in a juke box.) So the implication was the person was acting abnormally happy, excited, lively etc...
The converse of this is "Who pissed in your weeties?" and said when someone is percieved to be sad,angry,annoyed....
When you are aware , you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis and they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can drive another person crazy. This is especially true, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage(italics mine.)
A spouse with a P/A SO is being Invalidated constantly.There are many here, male and female. It can be very insidious. Words are not even necessary to invalidate someone. You can a)ignore them, b)make gestures or body language that demean or lower the efforts you make at contacting/conecting to them so that you are in a position beneath them.
However IMO, the blanket type validation that most people try to use to to reach there spouse, is... not truthful. Incongruence is going to cause a whole nother set of issues. lack of trust. but lets stick to validation and respect.
I mentioned this really briefly on F4W thread yesterday. Validating the SO/OP at your expense is simply invalidating yourself. That is no way to generate respect, or value in the eyes of the other person.
To me validation is focusing on the person. Seeing them, hearing them, acknonwledging they are their and exist and that they have there viewpoint and feelings. Giving them your full attention and perhaps meeting them halfway, or even further. That doesnt mean its correct or jives with mine. So maybe not, but I have not invalidated them by brushing them off, and or dismissing them as if they or the issue does not exist.
Which is typical what happens when a person is P/A, or in my case, I retreat to my cave (and a lot of other men). Fighting/conflict/arguing can be validating, as long as respect is generated.
So how you validate your spouse is going to be a mixture of what you are dealing with. IF they have close to zero respect for you, continuing to blanket validate(placate.. or worse, supplicating with trying to validate them/show them how much you love them, through endless AOS,) your not going to earn respect thru that.
So if your SO invalidates you, which can be extrememly destructive to you self worth, Shine a light on it right then and there. be prepared and mention it.
ex. you: Why did you do that? OP/SO: What. you: you just said/did .....(fill in the blank). There is no reason for that. or I dont appreciate that. or There is no call for treating me like that. Knock it off. OP/SO: oh... well ... I just meant.....mumble mumble. you: (ignore their rationalization, no on likes to be disciplined. You said your piece, move on. )
