Yes it is true you can’t make your spouse commit. Schnarch replies that as one person raises his/her level of differentiation, it places the other in a crucible of sorts in that one or the other must decide to raise/lower their differentiation in order to achieve a level of balance between the two, or ultimately one of the two will leave the marriage.
As far as the value of posting on this board goes, I agree with you, BUT I find value in learning what it is that I should then go and do with my spouse. Until I gain that all knowing state of knowledge regarding relationships, I think I will always find value in returning here. The other valuable part in posting thoughts here is if your spouse also visits this board. I know not many of us fall into that category, but for some reason my spouse has starting reading over some of my threads, most recently this one.
I think her initial purpose was to pick flaws in my thinking and find criticisms of me from other that she could then use to her advantage. But she also picked up some understanding of what I have been saying to her and in that regard it has been a help. Just over the past week or so, she says reading this board has helped her to understand what I was wanting from her in my request that she commit to the marriage. When I said it to her, all she heard was a demand, a way of putting responsibility on her to avoid my own. Somehow she came to realize I was doing so out of my own fears, and what her role was in contributing to those fears. So there can be more value to this board than just a place to vent.
