I was going to post this on Haphazard’s thread of “Patience is a Virtue,” but since my comments are related to the crucible, I thought I would post them here.
I picked up some tapes by Schnarch. The first set was about the Sexual Crucible, but it didn’t have anything new in it other than what is mentioned in the book. I’ll see if the others have any value. One thing he mentioned that I had forgotten was that good marriages are not the peaceful, calm ones in which partners stand side by side and support one another. That type of dynamic breeds the Tyranny of the Lowest Common Denominator in which the partners find the path that they can best mutually tolerate. Anything too uncomfortable is thrown out since it is a threat to the relationship and what is left results in boredom.
Schnarch claims the most fulfilling marriages are not those that avoid arguments or have lots of security, but those that experience the most pain, because they can also experience the most pleasure. He says the current paradigm of how we view relationships is wrong, i.e., our basic assumptions for judging a healthy marriage are faulty. Counselors teach couples to move toward that least common denominator and bring peace to the relationship. However that peace does not foster the change needed to properly differentiate, grow and experience the type of connection everyone on this board seems to want. Counselors should keep sessions controversial, pressing the issues, keeping the heat turned up on the crucible to maintain a slow boil (I think this is what Brian’s Schnarchian counselor was doing, why it seemed so confrontational to him and opposite of what he was expecting).
Schnarch’s example is that tempering metal in a crucible requires high temperature and pressure. Relationships need the same. Turning down the heat in conventional therapy counseling will not “cook” the partners sufficiently to generate growth, but it will make a temporary peace. Pushing for real change, real growth, real connection, means working THROUGH the issues, not around them. I take this to mean confrontation should not be avoided, that there are times when you either need to push you and your spouse into the crucible or be content with the Lowest Common Denominator.
So that brings me around to the comments on this board. What exactly is it we are looking for when we complain about our relationships? Should we bemoan the fact that we do not have the feeling of love, caring and support from our spouse that we think we should? Should we think we can get those things by always playing nice and waiting for the other person to finally make the changes we want? How does that turn up the heat? How can change occur any other way? Which choice of our two choice dilemma do we want to avoid more – the boring, non-connected status quo or the scariness of turning up the heat, working through the issues while walking along the cliff edge (with the very real threat of failure and divorce), on the path to a more fulfilling relationship?
