I apologize if I in any way alluded to you having my W’s personality (that really would be low, LOL!). But you two do have similar loss issues and similar deflection styles (well, more like identical deflection styles). My mother also does this deflection and used to really drag in everything, including the kitchen sink (I even recall asking her once why she didn’t mention the kitchen sink – “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”). I learned to do this too as a kid, but way back in college realized what was going on and tried stopped what deflection I was aware of, or at least tried to. In an argument I now try to stay on message and avoid tangents.
But there are times when I will consciously go there or tolerate W’s tangents because it is almost like she uses tangents as a way to bond. Its like that Monty Python scene from the Holy Grail where they argue over whether a swallow could have carried a coconut to England. As one makes a clear case that a swallow does not have the lifting capacity to carry a coconut, the other says, “Oh I meant a European swallow, that was my point.” The first guy says, “Yeah, a European swallow, sure” and they both avoid the confrontation and both save face. So I am guilty of using tangents to diffuse situations. It doesn’t make for much progress, but at least we both feel heard (and often its about as relevant as a swallow carrying a coconut!)
Mmmmm, "big cheesiness"….. could that be a disguised self compliment, not that there’s anything wrong with it. Yeah, I know my intellectualism is my way of controlling chaos and fear, breaking things down to their basic components to understand the worst that can happen. It is a form of self protection. It ticks off my W because she was always the self professed relationship expert (BS degree in psychology you know), and was accustomed to lecturing all her siblings, even her older brother. So my analyzing her did not sit well.
I agree with what you say of giving her a hug. I did this exact thing some time back when she was “trying to find a way out of this mess” regarding my intention to D. At that time she dropped her defenses, I dropped mine, we came to terms, I hugged her and did not let go until she started to cry. You would have thought that made a difference! It did for a little while, until her identity system kicked in and resurrected all her hurt and anger. It is getting time for another of those break-down-the-defenses hug. I want to find some common activity or outing that we can both do to help ease into this. Too much direct intimacy scares her.
I also want to focus on the concepts in “Come to Your Senses” for my daughters, and thereby indirectly with my W. I see my girls choke up when playing sports, especially tennis, so analyzing this inner voice should be well received by them. Then I can let the tangent develop into self confidence, letting go of anger, etc.
