I don’t know why I bother responding to you, except for the fact that I think you have good intentions but are just ignorant of what you say. My W had her foot out the door from day one. It wasn’t three weeks after we married than she made her first threat of D. Then as now, she is free to leave. What she has had a hard time realizing is that she really does not want to leave. She wants to be wanted, but grew up learning to not want to be wanted. So she is caught in her own internal tug of war and she makes me pay for it.
There is nothing holding her to this marriage. She can leave anytime she wants. I did not alienate her from my family, she did so herself. She fishes for a fight, to the point that someone in my family finally reacts, then she says she is the victim. It is funny how she, the victim, has been preyed upon by every single person in my family, and her family too. Maybe the common denominator – her - is really the problem? So I told my family to stay away not just for her sake but for theirs as well. Otherwise fights can so damage feelings that if W and I ever worked things out, my family and her would never be able to come together again. Right now I do not sense hard feelings on the part of my family or her. I want to keep it that way for the time we can truly come back together. That time is not here yet, but it is closer. Can you see this through your blinders?
If you would feel humiliation and embarrassment, then you’ve got issues to work on. She does not feel like that at all. She is quite convinced the problem is not her, but everyone else. Slowly I hope to address this, but not now.
She truly is angry because of her past. She has been this way almost her whole life. She used to be even more physical and threatening when she was young. She put up the retainer in response to my retainer. I had contacted my lawyer first, and threatened D. Then we had the fight where she was arrested. At that point I knew it was over, that her anger would explode and reconciliation was hopeless. So I filed for D and requested a restraining order. To my surprise, after all that she actually wanted to save the marriage, but more for the kids (or so she says). So I dropped charges, unsuited the divorce and let the restraining order expire. She has not contacted her lawyer yet.
I know the kids are affected by all this. That is the biggest decision to weigh – at what point is the fighting so damaging that it is better to split versus how much healing can occur if the marriage can be saved. I think we were close to that inflection point, but with things going better lately, there has been some significant improvement in the kid’s attitudes and emotions. There is still a lot of work to be done, but having experience the fighting and knowing that life can still go on and get better, I am seeing a new resilience in them that was not there before. That is the sliver lining. The downside is that we still need to work more on their issues, their anger, etc. But I see advancement there too.
So just what other FOO issues do you think exist for my kids? The fighting is the source of it all.
And as Blackfoot mentions, you idea of love is completely naïve.
Blackfoot,
I agree that W and I need to spend time together, go do things, find a common interest or hobby outside the kids. I have realized this for a long time and even years ago tried to suggest different things. She was open to the idea, but never followed through. The kids consume her too much. With all the fighting over the past few years, that idea was out the window. I have been thinking about what we could do.
Regarding the “demand” that W commits to the marriage, I do not get the feeling that she feels undue pressure from me over this. I think it clicked in her that she is holding herself back as well as the marriage. That is why she did not put up much of an argument when I put forth my explanation of what was going on, and that it really was not me that was responsible for her feeling pressured, but her own indecision.
I agree that I would feel more comfortable and secure if W committed to the marriage, but I am also getting very tired of staying stuck. I think being in limbo is much more damaging than almost anything else. If we are fighting and arguing but we can see progress, there is hope and a willingness to confront the issues and stick it out. Being stuck only means endless fighting and no progress. That is demoralizing. That is what I really want to stop. I need to get out of this pit.
You say she may be feeling pressure from my demand to commit, but I actually feel the opposite could be happening with W. I do think she feels pressure to commit to working on the marriage, but I am not sure she feels this pressure from me. I presented it and put her up to the matter, but I think she does see it as her issue and that the pressure she feels is really from herself. I am pretty confident that if this were not the case I would be hearing about it and she would have a totally different attitude and higher level of anger.
I have been seeing her trying to grow in the same way I have chosen, by trying to learn about others. Her sister and her friend both have marriage problems too. They both talk to W about this. W has for some time lectured her sister about demanding too much from her H, because of the long hours he works and because he has never been and never will be a “fixer upper” type person. Her sister is trying to transform him into something he is not and my W sees this. She is telling her sister that she should appreciate the long hours he works and that he wants to relax when he gets home. It is a little surprising to hear her say this so maybe she is heeding some of her own advice. That would be nice.
Her friend has picked up “His Needs Her Needs” and has had her H read through it. She is discussing this with my W and I think this will be very helpful learning experience for W as her friend works through their issues. So W is trying to grow, in her way and at her pace. She has also spoken to me briefly about both her sister and her friend and I will try to gently encourage more of this.
On another subject, and really just journaling here…
Our counselor mentioned to me once concerns about her obsessive-compulsive behavior. I am beginning to focus more on this too. I see it as a major problem for her and how it affects the balance in all our lives. She obsesses over something to the exclusion of everything else and to the point of being completely overwhelmed by it. Then she gets frustrated and angry because other things have fallen through the cracks. I have my suspicions about what drives her to do this, but my detachment from the whole affair may be the best approach for now. In other words, just let the natural consequences occur and don’t try to rescue her.
Yesterday when I came home the house was a wreck (she is off from school for the summer). She has dived headlong into preparing materials for the fall session, wanting to be fully prepared with all her lesson plans and thus reduce stress when school starts. I think that is a good idea and I support her and have offered to help and catalogue her stuff. But there is no balance. She lives on the computer, lets the house go, in fact has papers, materials, boxes all over the bedroom, the living room, the family room. The kids were in the house all day yesterday and did as kids will do, they made their own mess. They didn’t put up the dishes, put away the clothes, etc. W did not think about it either since her attention was elsewhere.
After we got back from TKD and ate dinner, she did have the kids fold clothes while watching TV and while I cleaned up the kitchen. She said she was frustrated but mostly with herself. I knew why so I just stayed out of it. She then started putting her things in boxes and semi-cleaning up her mess. The maid comes today and will have no clue as to what to do with W’s things. It seems the day before the maid comes is the day things get picked up. I complain that we spend money for the maid to set her stuff in neat little piles so she can just scatter them around again the next day. The maid does dust, vacuum and mop, but the house still looks messy.
I would like for W to understand how much stress she puts on herself and how she can drive herself crazy. If she could see this, I think she might realize how much she impacts the whole family when she gets overwhelmed and frustrated. Maybe if the marriage gets on a better track, she will feel more secure and less driven with her job…..but that’s gonna be another tough nut to crack. One step at a time.
