BTW, GEL and Cally have brought up this analyzing thing. I generally save the analysis for this board and have spoken to the counselor about my ideas. I have mentioned to W that I think her anger toward me is in part a projection from her father. We had a good session not too long ago where W came to realize this and that I was not acting as her father, so she shouldn’t punish me as her father.
For my sitch I think analysis is critical. There is so much danger in almost any direction I turn. The fights over the years have run the gamut, to the extent that I became scared to speak up and found myself walking on eggshells to avoid another fight. That only made me angry and resentful and the fights came anyway.
But as I have gained deeper insight into what drives her, I find I am better able to hold onto myself, and also know where to pick my fights and over what topics. But I think the most important benefit is that I can now see when she is turning on the fog machine and hold her to the core issue that is driving her anger. To prevent her from becoming defensive, I also need to explain how I have similar fears, that I want but am afraid of intimacy and vulnerability. This is where I have learned to play the real man o’ steel, by exposing my vulnerability first, so she feels safe to come out. It works and works very well.
If I had not tried to understand her and analyze her, I don’t think I would be able to play this role. Our issues are not simple. They are very extensive and complex and have contributed to such defensive systems that for YEARS we would argue and never know what we just said. Things would go in circles, we would both feel like we had been heard to some extent, once the fog machine ran out of fuel, but nothing had been changed or fixed. Then the same argument would come up again. This pattern over the years is what convinces couples they are truly not compatible and are not in love with one another. I think that is the farthest thing from the truth.
So for me, I believe the analysis is critical. Your situation may differ….. then again, it may not.
