I don’t remember when the issue of an apology first came up, sine it was a few months ago, but I think it was in response to my saying we need to move forward. The apology was basically her deflection to my request. HP, from what I remember I think you’ve got the sequence of events reversed.
Are there things I could have done differently? Sure, as she could have. But my efforts for such a long time were in trying to do something. Her efforts were on trying to not do anything. Now that is from my perspective of course. She say she was making changes though for the life of me I never could see anything different. It was just talk and deflection. Even the counselor was frustrated with W for her defensiveness and avoidance. The counselor is a woman, who initially was all over my case to change, let go of my anger, stop the fighting, etc. She has commented on how much I have turned around, and W agrees as well.
The problem was that neither the counselor nor I saw any movement in W. That in itself was a major problem because it kept us from growing. What you all are focusing on is the growth I am trying to push for my W. Recall that I mentioned how much I had done to address the list of complaints my wife had. There is little she can complain about now. I have made huge changes in myself.
Some of those changes were not to her liking however. Cutting off the joint checking account was not well received. Putting up a hard boundary on her ravings and calling the cops was not well received. But until the last year, what changes I have made (that she asked for) did little to nothing to create changes in her that I asked for. If she did make a change, it would last about a month, then slowly she would go back to her old ways.
She would ALWAYS have plenty of excuses for why she couldn’t do this or that. When I would confront her on it, she would of course resort to the “fog machine” but eventually it came out that she did not want to change, she was still angry, and she only made token changes to make peace. The problem as I saw it is that she was not committed to the marriage but was only trying to buy time. If there is no genuine buy-in to the program, it is destined for failure and I experienced this pattern more times that I want to recall.
It made me realize the only way for us to move forward as a couple was for us to both commit to the marriage. So I first changed as much as I could, addressing her complaints, helping around the house, spending more time with the kids, ignoring the small stuff and not focusing on minor daily disagreements. To her credit she did some of the same and would try to stay out of some arguments, but she even admits this was not out of some new trust in me but resignation that if we divorced, this is how life would be whether she liked it or not.
So where do you go with this? Just play nice, be the attractive man o’ steel and hope she comes around in a few years? I decided I was not going to play this game forever. I have a life and I cannot hold myself hostage to this situation for much longer. I decided I needed to push. The outcome from not pushing was quite clear to me. There was no uncertainty in my mind where that would lead. But I did think there was a better than 50/50 chance that my pushing would get us where we both wanted to be. I knew that down deep she really wanted a solid marriage, security, intimacy and all that good stuff. I also learned more and more just how scary that was for her.
So now I tell her that I will not stay in this marriage if we stay in limbo. I set a boundary. If she wants to keep the status quo, I will walk at some point (I did not say when). If she makes a verbal commitment, as non-binding as that is, then we move forward and can work on our issues.
There is nothing that requires a crucible test to be comfortable, to be to your or your spouse’s liking. She did not like my closing the joint checking account. But I complained for YEARS about our debt situation. She made no effort to change her spending and even seemed to me to have the mindset that she needed to take what she could while she could since she wasn’t going to stick around forever anyway. If she runs up a huge credit card debt (and we’ve had about $16,000 on the cards), it doesn’t really matter. I will get stuck with most of the debt in the divorce proceedings and she gets a free ride. So I set a boundary. She doesn’t like it but she will live with it. We don’t have the huge fights over money that we once did.
If the day ever comes that she sees her future tied to mine so that managing our money is in her interests as well as mine, I might consider another joint account. But not anytime soon. I have kids on the verge of college and I have no idea how I am going to pay for it.
So what is the problem? Why does everyone think the only way to work through marriage issues is to be nice and civil, present options and wait for the other person to choose? What if they never choose? That is what I see too many people doing on this board. They are scared to push forward because they might tick off their spouse and the spouse might get mad and leave. But not pushing means you will get mad and leave. So what do you do???? I have my strategy. From what I can tell, it is working. My wife does not seem to be angry with me, she seems to understand, she seems to have more security knowing that I want her to stay with me. I have not found another approach that worked or even moved us forward. It seemed that everything else actually made things worse.
I am still waiting, like so many others here, to see a good approach that will work in such a difficult situation. We are not passionately in love with each other but that is not the end of the world. Emotions are VERY fleeting. People can be in love one week and hate each other the next. I am not concerned with the love aspect. As the marriage improves, the love will take care of itself. Everyone is WAAAAY too wrapped up in focusing on love. It is one of the biggest obstacles I see holding back growth. Moving forward and jeopardizing love is very scary. But not moving forward will eventually destroy the love anyway. That is the catch 22, whether you like it or not.
