I think you have a good bead on my W. I know we need to do more things together to build up the goodwill, but she has a very hard time doing this. Throw the martyrdom aspect into the mix. Now you’ve got someone who wants attention, is too scared to venture forth to get what she wants, and then does not feel she deserves it, but would rather do as much as she can for the kids. She really feels needed when she is smothering them. It is very hard to overcome this when they are small and needy. Now that they are older, they are actually pushing her back so they can get some breathing room. The counselor is also telling them to do this (mainly the girls. S9 is still too young for this.)
She can have a good level of good will built up and turn into a cornered animal at the next instant. I’ve seen her do this to me and everyone on my side of the family. That is why I do not take her with me to visit my family and tell them all not to call me on the house phone, just on my cell phone. That created too many opportunities for fights in the past. So yes, she has operated in survival mode. But she is slowly coming out of her shell.
I think my working on the kitchen is helping. When I started the project a few weeks ago, she commented on how nice it was going to look and that she actually liked me. That is about as emotionally open as she gets, but I read it for what is underneath. I would like to do more together, like a date night. We did this years ago but she was too worried about the kids for it to be productive. We need to build more common interests to bond us.
