Maybe I'm nuts, but I think you're doing the right stuff.
Now how can that be, you being nuts, especially if you agree with me?
Seriously, we had a good weekend. I’ve been putting tumbled marble tile over the kitchen backsplash, completely a minor kitchen makeover a couple of years in the process. I’ve not wanted to put money into the house in the event we divorced. So now the kitchen is really looking nice, and W is quite happy, not just for herself, but for the kids too. (Our middle daughter has expressed some embarrassment over the having her friends see the kitchen.)
I can tell W has a different attitude too, the same one when things are going well between us. She still does not have a clue about how to be intimate with me, so instead she goes on about her schoolwork and preparing materials for the fall semester. I have offered to help organize, catalogue and generally systematize her stuff. I also got my company to give her 5 old PC they would have simply discarded. She can use them for running kid’s learning programs (she works with mentally retarded kids.)
I wasn’t sure how she would feel about sex so I asked if we could on Saturday and she was willing and completely non-defensive. Not even an attitude about it. We also had sex last night (this one was a surprise). So the point is that everyone has completely misread my sitch. And here is why.
My W and I are not in a situation that is just a drought of love. Our problems are deeper and more fundamental. For my W, I firmly believe she sees our major battles not as a matter of disagreement that needs a creative solution, but as a matter of pure survival. She quickly descends into a panic, anxious state where I think she feels engulfed, overwhelmed and possibly some degree of hopelessness. But she is a fighter by nature, and is used to resorting to physical fighting if needed. As a kid growing up in an minority dominated inner city school, that was the only way to survive.
This is especially true for her brothers, since having your place in the male pecking order is so important. Think in terms of a gang-like environment. Boys really need to be tough to survive. Her second brother was very much like this, having been to the federal penitentiary several times for cocaine possession. Although W says she fought a lot with this brother, I see so much of him in her. She has a certain admiration for his wild, crazy, reckless strength. He knew (and W learned I think) that the only way to fight was full force, no holds barred. Holding back would only get you killed. Since W did not have a good role model father, I think she emulated her brother A LOT.
So if you put yourself in that mindset, you can see how every major challenge is not about maintaining attractiveness, but about fighting for survival. I think she has little understanding of the kind of alpha male attractiveness we speak of here. This means much of the methods we propose here will not work. They haven’t for the 15 years I’ve been married to her. What she does understand is a more basic power hierarchy. She does want relations between us to be civil, but when the fighting starts, she simply will not recognize my needs and wants. What she has said so many times is “Make me.” See the difference?
When she goes into “combat mode” she is in the red zone and it is there that I think she really does become temporarily insane. She is capable of almost anything and while I think she knows what she is doing may be wrong or out of bounds, there is little she can do to stop herself. Now I must say she is getting much better at this than she was before. The kids are older so she does not feel as threatened. I think age is mellowing her a little (well, maybe not that much).
So what does she understand? Power, pure and simple. That is the ONLY thing that has given results. Remember that I have commented a time or two that power, legitimacy and authority are the three pillars on which society exists. Authority is granted by the people to the government because they see that government as legitimate and entitled to enforce its rules. But underneath all of that is power. Most of use respect authority because we believe in the legitimacy of the accepted conventions of marriage. We maintain some standard of respect for our spouse and others. There are some actions that are beyond our value systems to where we will not go. We hold ourselves accountable to this concept of authority because we believe it legitimate.
But if you do not recognize “the system” and actually thing it is corrupt, i.e., meant to exploit women for the good of men, then the only thing that will keep you in check is power. This more closely describes my world and what I have struggled with. I walk a rather thin line. I need to bring into our relationship a respect for the legitimacy of marriage and following “the rules” (whatever that may be). The consequences of my W not doing so is not shame or disapproval from me. She does not recognize that she has such a need from me. So the consequences must stem from the most basic level – power.
Others on this board are not wrestling with this level in their relationship (well, maybe a few of us are). But NONE that have replied to my post are on this level (maybe Heather’s H to some degree). That is why I think my actions seem so offensive to so many.
As our relationship changes, then so too must my actions. I recognize this and try to reward new behavior with new levels of reward. I see using the carrot and the stick approach as essential. The carrot alone is not sufficient. Years ago my W was pretty convinced she did not want or need a marriage and nay carrots toward that end were nothing more than a path toward entrapment. So I must push her. Having kids is also a very powerful pull for her since they are growing up to respect the authority and legitimacy of marriage and are putting a more powerful influence on W that I ever could.
One other thought… W is not one to hold her tongue if she thinks I or anyone else is forcing her into something. In our counseling session, she stopped dead in her tracks when I confronted her with being scared of facing the decision to commit or leave the marriage. The counselor also saw my point and backed me up, saying the indecision was causing so much of the fighting. Having her commit is my issue, but her not committing is hers. Because of her background as I have explained, I am confident that unless she is forced to take a stand, she will never choose, but will instead step in and out of the divorce escape hatch as her comfort requires. That I cannot tolerate this much longer is my issue.
So at the moment, she has not answered my question of whether she will commit to the marriage and I have not asked. But I think she has already committed to the answer. She is just not quite ready to come forward and offer it. She is letting her actions speak. I am reading this but I will also ask to hear the answer. This is as important for her as it is for me. It represents a major step for her to hear herself say it. I have not doubts now that she will say yes. I have no doubt that we are on a good path right now, and one that is leading in the right direction.
