How to Push into the Crucible

[heatherg]

Cobra, I agree with what the others are saying as well, so I won't rehash that. I just wanted to mention one thing that I haven't see anyone address yet.
Do you tell her all of these nuggets of wisdom you collect on her about her fears and such? I'm curious because that would irritate the crap out of me. I can just hear your W trying to tell you something and you 'setting her straight' on how she 'really' feels or what her 'underlying' issues are. Periodically I can see where there is a place for that, basically calling your partner out on a BS statement. But I picture you as consistently doing that, which gives your W the impression that you think you have all the answers, you are self righteous, and to top it all off, you could be WAY off base which your analysis. Think of the implications of being way off base and yet so sure of yourself. You lose your credibility with her, she starts to think nothing she does matters anyway because you've got it set in your mind already the way things 'are'. Letting her tell you her issues and her feelings is her job. You can ask pointed questions that will get to the heart of the matter and can *help* her narrow down her own issues and disappointments. Maybe she doesn't know exactly how she feels about everything and why, but she doesn't need you filling in the blanks for her. Like I said, it's her job to figure that stuff out and to have someone else try to do it for you is insulting and it always falls short anyway. So maybe help her from a position of an interested H who wants to figure her out, not from the position of a condescending H who already knows it all if she would just listen to you. You have to support her and make her feel like the answers are within *her*, because they are.