I really don’t understand why you think I have not committed to the relationship because I said exactly that to her and the counselor on MANY occasions. What she wants is a share in property that my parents gave me as a gift. As such it is not community property but personal property. She wants this because she says it will make her feel like she has extracted some degree of vengeance which will release her anger. I do not buy that at all because I think her anger comes from elsewhere.
The apology thing is really not that big of a deal, and I did apologize. I did not unconditionally apologize for her part in the matter and I will not do so either. She has too much history of putting blame on me for her faults. This is a boundary issue and I will not continue to let her walk over me in this way. Again, I did apologize for my part.
LFL,
I did disarm my attorney. I unsuited the divorce case, dropped all charges and the restraining order. You probably get zero sense of love between us because we never really loved each other to begin with. She got pregnant, we got married. If I had my preference I would never have married her. But I did and now I’ve got to make the best of it.
I don’t see how you think I am screwing her over financially. How does it harm her if my parents give me a gift? It doesn’t. She wants half, just because. No other reason. She never got a dime from her parents and so has nothing to share with me. I’m sure she feels a lot of jealousy. She’s had a hard life, but it’s not my fault and its not my problem. She thinks she has some entitlement my property because of the years she spent as a housewife raising the kids. Well, she gets half of all the community property. I have no obligation or reason to give her half of my parent’s gift. If I do it is out of goodwill only.
You seem to have the cart before the horse. Much of our trouble in working toward intimacy does not come from the power struggles, the power struggles come from the fear of intimacy. As soon as we can both feel some security and level of intimacy, the power struggles will go away. Actually, they have for the most part gone away. Since she is now working, she has her own sense of accomplishment. She keeps ALL her money and does not pay for anything, which is fine with me. I pay for all the household expenses, kids expenses, etc. So the number of things to fight over for control has dropped dramatically. Now we are coming to the heart of the matter and that is intimacy and vulnerability. Everything up to this point has been window dressing. That is why I think you and others see such huge problems over control and I do not. Control is not the core issue (though an imbalance of control in the past caused serious problems).
As for my own FOO, go back and read some of my original posts. Its all in there.
The approach I have been working on has produced significant results recently. I think we are on the verge of putting a lot of problems behind us. I am convinced that not placing these hard boundaries, not setting consequences for her behavior, not reestablishing a balance in control of the kids, the finances, and the intimidation would have left us as stuck today as we were a few years ago. Ladies, she is not the rationale, logical person you would like to believe (at least she wasn’t, she is more balanced now). If you need an analogy, think more in terms of Mrs. Hairdog.
