So what if she wanted you to apologize for everything? You simply say "I'm sorry"......no qualifications, no further explanations, just an apology.
Why then begin the Commitment discussion? The argument that she can use the apology against you is ludicrous. No court is going to accept that you "made" her act a certain way and that she is not responsible for her actions. You tell her "I'm sorry for anything I did that provoked you." Lead her by your example. Encourage her to take responsibility for her own actions, kwim?
Here is what I see happening and do your best to hear me and not get immediately defensive. I KNOW you've made the bulk of the progress...still, Schnarch maintains that our partners are usually as differentiated as we are and I've found that to be generally true. I see two people who are pointing fingers at each other like a couple of kids. She is saying 'He did this to me!!' and you retort with 'I'm not saying sorry until she admits what SHE did!!'
It's still very much a power struggle and no further progress will be possible while this is going on.
She's not going to commit to the M until you apologize. You're not going to apologize until she commits to the M.
It makes the readers of your thread want to scream! I'm sure you can relate cause I know you've been there on other people's threads.
What she is asking for is insane. She wants someone else to be responsible for her juvenile behavior. There's no need to withhold an apology simply to make the point that she's being nutty. You can make that point SO MUCH more effectively by apologizing sincerely and throwing her nuttiness into the clear light of day. I'm sure the counselor wanted to make the point with her that your apology is for your own behavior and you can't take responsibility for HER behavior but your taking the convo and turning it into a marriage commitment discussion eliminated that possibility.
