She is the third child. The oldest boy died in a car accident as a teenager. The second boy, the rebel and trouble maker, recently died of cancer, after a life of drug addiction and time in prison. She is the oldest girl and was the smart, responsible one. She has a two younger sisters and the very youngest is a boy, who is also alcoholic. Both sisters are married, have kids and are doing ok. Her father remarried and has several more kids, though obviously much younger.
In my opinion, my wife is the classic “lost” middle child, overshadowed by older boys (so she never felt as good or accepted by her dad) and not given the affection she needed from her mother (who was busy looking over the younger kids). My W took on the responsibility of trying to salvage the family after her dad left. I
This is my latest theory on how W’s FOO has shaped her and affected our marriage:
W’s mom fought with her Dad, which was a scary experience for W, being around 9 years old at the time. Her Mom could not protect W, leading W to have to abandonment and “not wanting to want” issues. W was angry with her Dad for being the aggressor but also with Mom for not having the strength to stand up to Dad for what W saw as unjustified and bullying behavior over Mom (is this where W’s past bullying behavior comes from?) Ultimately W was angry with Mom for not protecting W. This led W to hate weakness in women and machismo in men, though what she obviously wanted was love, affection, protection from both parents.
This set up a dichotomy of hating weak women and their association with femininity, and strong men and their association with aggressiveness. This made her feel like an outcast with everyone during high school since her hatred dissociated her from the majority of her peers. It destroyed her sense esteem, causing her to build a self image dependent on approval from others – a type of narcissistic supply. This approval was a surrogate for the attention and protection she wanted from her Mom.
W’s strong ego is a manifestation of her narcissism and her need to protect her inner self. Her walls cause her to be very defensive and aggressive. This allows her to have a feeling of control over a chaotic world, plus the show of strength is an offset to her feeling of inferiority vis-ŕ-vis other kids. Rather than having comfort in a secure, nurturing family, she found comfort as a tough, independent, self reliant kid who did not need anyone to help her. This solidified her anger and her refusal to listen to others.
She relates intimacy, vulnerability with fear, pain, anxiety. With regard to us, whether she feels that pain or not seems dependent on whether I am accepting of her or not. In other words, she is dependent on me to reflect back to her the sense of self she has created. She maintains the position that she is unsure of my intentions, therefore she is unsure of what pain lies out there and whether she wants to commit or not. She is held captive by this codependency. Admitting to the desire to commit and be vulnerable to someone else is a sign of weakness, so rather than resolve those fears, she avoids this contradiction by deflecting and focusing on my issues. This requires her to hold onto the past and not let go of resentment and anger. This justifies her not having to make the choice of committing to the marriage, becoming vulnerable and having to face her fears.
On the other hand, she cannot make the decision to reject the marriage either because she truly does have abandonment issues from her past. She knows the damage divorce can have on the kids and does not want to relive that. She also knows she really wants to love and be loved. So she cannot commit to leaving the marriage. Her truly safe and secure zone is to stay trapped in a no-man’s land, not committing either way. Then she does not have to face vulnerability from a “real” relationship or abandonment from divorce.
