Cobra, Have you ever noticed that what one person is complaining about, with respect to their spouse, is reflected so clearly in their own actions?
I see that in your situation.
You complain about your wife's deflection but you are a master deflector yourself. As soon as your wife requested an apology, you jumped on her about needing a commitment to the marriage. What in the world does an apology have to do with that? If you were truly differentiated from her, you would have looked at her and said "I am sorry". The end. There is no need to qualify what, exactly, you are sorry for and what percentage you contributed to the mess and how many hateful comments she vollied your way versus what you said to her. You simply apologize. If you did something wrong, you say sorry and move on. What is the big deal here?
Quote: As long as we try to find a way to match one control against the other, the marriage is doomed.
So stop.
When she tries to make it a power play, disengage from it. She brings up the past resentments because she knows that you will engage with her. Simply stop doing this. Look her in the eye and say "I'm sorry that I didn't support you the way you needed me to. I was doing the best I could." If that is not good enough for her, shrug your shoulders and walk away. What else can you do? Next time she brings it up, say the exact same thing, word for word. She will eventually get the message that this is all she's gonna get.
Finally, when your wife makes a request of you why do you try to "analyze" it away? Oh, it's a foo issue or deflection or this that and the other. You simultaneously expect her to take YOUR issues seriously, though.
I suppose what I'm saying is that you have made tons of progress the last few months but what appears to be holding you back is: you. You are so hyperfocused on her and her issues that you remain hopelessly fused and tangled up in the old dynamic. It's just a more civil version of the old dynamic. Holding on to yourself when she starts in with her old resentments would help your head stay clear. Meeting her in the middle..i.e., coughing up the apology in no way dilutes your progress. To convince yourself otherwise will keep you mired in the standoff and seriously enmeshed.
When your wife comes at you, stop deflecting and defending and really hear her--that way she won't have to get so ugly to get through to you. On the other hand, there's no need to suddenly fall prostrate at her feet with tears rollin down your face. A simple apology will suffice.
