This is the lesson of differentiation I have learned. It would be so much easier for me accept responsibility for everything, let her feel justified, give her the moral high ground, and take back her lost power. That is a stage of our previous marriage I will not go back to. I think you both should understand this all too well. Dont you think there is a level of unhealthy, extreme differentiation? Maybe differentiation is not the correct word here. But I still get the sense you are being too extreme in your views of the M. The issue is not to be right, the issue is hold to my boundaries and not allow her to project her responsibility onto me. She has done this our whole marriage through her mastery of deflection. The is a lot to what happened that she is responsible for. I will not own that part. I did apologize for my actions and what I did to start and escalate the fight. That is al I will apologize for. If she is uncomfortable accepting her responsibility, that is her problem to deal with. That is her crucible, not mine. You can hold on strongly to your boundaries and still have appropriate social/relational skills. You can give a full apology and still have her own her own issues. It doesn't mean there is no responsibility on her. Why so extreme again Cobra? Don't you think I know damm well I have my own responsibilities for the state of my M, even though H has apologized profusely for leaving etc. One does not negate the other. It is not that I am insensitive to her perceptions. Well I'll be blunt here and say I think you are. Seems to me you have plenty of work to do on yourself without worrying so much about HER issues (enmeshment, deflection, etc). Come to think of it, one could say you are deflecting your own issues (control, insensitivity, etc) in order to "fix" your W.
