Cobra, the first thing that came to my mind after reading your update was, Does he want to be right or does he want to be happy? The whole apologizing for the jail incident sort of irked me. And I think that's because I was thinking about my own situation when H left. Both traumatic events in our M's. If my H has never even attempted to apologize after all that time (which is what your W stated in C), I would be very reluctant to commit to the M too. Don't you see that??
I hear both of you and I know what you re saying. The issue is not to be right, the issue is hold to my boundaries and not allow her to project her responsibility onto me. She has done this our whole marriage through her mastery of deflection. The is a lot to what happened that she is responsible for. I will not own that part. I did apologize for my actions and what I did to start and escalate the fight. That is al I will apologize for. If she is uncomfortable accepting her responsibility, that is her problem to deal with. That is her crucible, not mine. This is the lesson of differentiation I have learned. It would be so much easier for me accept responsibility for everything, let her feel justified, give her the moral high ground, and take back her lost power. That is a stage of our previous marriage I will not go back to. I think you both should understand this all too well.
I've stated to Heather that she should work on "softening" and I think you could benefit from that too. I don't mean turn into a pansy, I just mean lighten up a touch. Beceome a Litle more sensitive to your W's perceptions of the M. They DO count. As much as you feel they are wrong.
I agree and I have acknowledged all her points. But that does not mean I agree with them. It is not that I am insensitive to her perceptions. I accept them. But I have my perceptions that count just as much and she needs to acknowledge that too. This is where we are stumbling. It is because she has still not learned to accept herself without need for confirmation from me. In other words, she is still enmeshed, though she claims not to be.
