I hear what you are saying and I agree in principle. But remember, she is akin to Mojo’s master of deflection style. You do not seem to deflect at all and are willing to accept your discomfort, hold on to yourself and work through things. That my W is uncomfortable with her trust is me is not my issue. It is hers. She has been this way all our marriage and long before that, as far as I can tell.
She is still angry with her father for leaving divorcing her mother and leaving the family over 30 years ago. The rest of her siblings are on good terms with her dad. They know he has major issues, but they still seem to be able to over look that and have a god relationship with him. She does not trust him, cannot forgive him and probably never will. That is because of HER, not whether he has met some threshold for re-establishing trust. He can never meet her threshold because she simply won’t let him. As long as he accepts that evasive threshold, he is playing her game.
So I decide not to play the game. I make my changes. I become a better person. If she chooses to live in the past, that’s her choice. If she wants to use that as an excuse to not commit to the marriage, that is her choice too. But at some point she will have to confront this choice, instead of dodging it. I think that what she will find is that once she decides, the anxiety she fears will not materialize and we can move forward. She does not seem to be able to understand these issues until she actually experiences them. So rationalizing with her is pointless. She needs to just jump in the water and experience the temperature. It is all about taking a leap of faith.
