If she has a perception that you were so abusive....well then, Cobra...in her mind you were and well, that's what matters here.
What I hear in your posts in regards to your W is you continually trying to disarm her, I'm not sure that's always a good thing. In a way I can see you doing this in a manner that would convey a "see....I told you I'm right" feeling to her.
Your truth is that you have a perception that you did a lot more than many other husbands would do....and I'm sure that's probably true. But your perception of things definitely does not match up to hers.....so you can't approach it as though "she thinks I was abusive...but I did xyz and she should be thankful for that"...and that's what I hear in what you wrote. You need to be addressing the behaviors she considered to be abusive.....period...full stop. Whether you agree with them is pretty much irrelevant, she believes it.
If she feels you have been abusive in the past Cobra in your behavior towards her....and you have changed that behavior now....she's waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to revert back to that behavior. Just as many of us on here expect our LD spouse will revert to LD behavior after they step up for a bit....because they usually do after a time.
Also...please, please, please....don't compare her to other women (i.e. other women would be ecstatic if...). When people say stuff like that to me I find myself hearing "you aren't normal....everyone else would.....". It's not a stretch for me at all to think it might come across to her that way too....especially considering her perception of your past behaviors. Statements like that are in themselves passive-aggressive control tactics....knock it off! It's one thing to think those things to yourself, but stop saying them to her. I know it seems such a small thing to focus on.....but for me, it would be enough to keep some resentment boiling at the surface and continue waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop because it's a reminder (even just a small one) that he's trying to change/control me.
I know that may not make a lot of sense, but I tried to explain it as best I could right now.
