Appreciate the comments… Actually she does acknowledge I have changed and improved a lot, she even mentioned this several times in counseling. In spite of that she keeps dragging up the past, but mostly when she gets mad, and that seems to happen more when we are in counseling, which is when she is having to confront her issues. So I see this as a major deflection tactic. It is also typical of how she operates – not letting go of past grievances, having an EXTREMELY hard time forgiving people. All this tells me her inner security is very fragile.
Also, she has the perception that I was so abusive, did not help around the house, etc., but the truth is that I think I did more around the house than any other husband I know. I have done a lot of remodeling over the years, major landscape and yard work, automotive repairs…. But her memory is selective to when I go work out, play softball, go to TKD. So I try to acknowledge her complaints, but in no way do I accept them hook, line, and sinker. Like so much of what she does, I see these complaints as another way to throw me off balance. So as a matter principle, I do not acknowledge everything carte blanche.
I did mention the issue of mistrust at the end of our last session (when speaking about taking the “leap off faith”). I said the changes I made were all in line with what she wanted and other women would be ecstatic if their husbands did that (how many here would like to see such change?) Yet she stays suspicious of my changes so that I get no more credit for changing than if I had not changed at all. This is her trust issue which she needs to address. Staying suspicious is a deflection in order to avoid her having to make a decision to accept me and the closeness that will bring to our relationship. Once I address her complaints, she is under the spotlight to take the next step. This is what she really wants to avoid because she has no idea how to be intimate with an adult. This is what I am calling her out on.
