Actually the past few months have been fairly good. We’ve had some arguments, but each of us has been able to contain ourselves and pick up on a cordial basis the next day. Its just the past two weeks or so she’s been giving excuses to not have sex…. well, more like just disappearing and going to bed. Part of this is understandable since last week was the last week of school for her and she has been short on sleep trying to wrap up the semester. But this past weekend seemed more deliberate and it ticked me off, so I made a big issue of it. I don’t want to let her think I will let this slide. I went all summer without sex last year and don’t intend to do it again, so I am holding very strongly to my boundaries.
Overall I think the session was actually very good. I held onto myself by thinking “Mojo, Mojo, Mojo,” recalling the deflection we worked through on this board. That was a very valuable experience for me. It is hard for me to tell who deflects more, the old Mojo or my wife (not meaning to pick on you Mojo). This board and all the posting I have been doing has also been invaluable. I think I can see my W’s issues pretty clearly now, and it is just a matter of finding ways to present her issues in a way that gets through.
The crucible I put her in worked out well I thought. Her choice is obvious and very non- threatening, at least to most people. So when she bounces the matter off her friends, I would think they will also see the choice as obvious. It will be interesting to see how she answers the question. It think she is struggling how to acknowledge and accept her wanting of intimacy and especially acceptance, but without becoming vulnerable. So I am waiting for the deflections, and will turn each one back as they come. I also want to make a note of the number of deflections and how hard she struggles with them. That will give me an indication (and hopefully her too) of how much denial she is in (actually I know how much denial she has – tons!)
The other interesting aspect of this crucible is that she has complained for so long about all the criticisms I made of her, my anger, my pursuing the argument, not helping enough around the house and on and on…. I don’t think she can put any of those arguments up know. There is little left on her list. So my question to her will be if she could not get close to me before due to her list, and she still cannot get close with the list resolved, how much influence did the list really have? How much influence do I really have, or could this have something to do with her. Having to face her choice will bring a lot of issues to the front. Her day of self reckoning is coming.
So to answer your question, I think her problem is that her love bank is not capable of holding love unit because she has these underlying FOO issues that perpetuate her anger. And she does not want to fix the bank because the consequence of having a healthy love bank is way too scary.
P.S. Thank you for all your posts. You have been extremely enlightening lately.
