Last night we had another of our biweekly counseling sessions. For the most part, things have been going pretty well at home, but recently a new issue has popped up. Following are my notes of our session. Sorry for the length, but maybe there is some value to others in the detail ….
W started our session complaining about some arguments we had over the past few weeks relating back to when she went to jail, saying the jail incident was never really discussed before. I let her speak for a while, venting and justifying her anger, saying that she was abused for 14 years, and that her book says that if a counselor states the blame is really 50/50, the victim is just being exposed to more abuse in counseling. She complained that I have never apologized and that she will not commit to the marriage until I make an unconditional apology first. She said I should do this simply because it was the right thing to do.
She went on to explain what happened during the fight, saying that I instigated and perpetuated the fight and manipulated the situation with the police to make it look like she was the perpetrator. She recalled saying to herself that she loves her kids and will not engage with me, but I just had to get my “fix.” She ended by saying she did not know what, if anything, she did that was wrong.
I responded by saying all her statements were horse crap, that she was only seeing things through her eyes. I rebutted the idea of needing an adrenaline “fix,” that it was a theory of the C’s mom (who we had been seeing for MC before) and it was not true, that instead I was reacting out of fear and anxiety. I said W was been abusive too. Her withdrawing, avoiding, running, not talking is all a form of abandonment, if she would just read through her book. C agreed that silence was a form of verbal abuse. I explained to C how in the early days of our marriage I recall a time after she got mad that she did not speak to me for a solid 3 weeks. C seemed shocked to hear this. I recalled the time that period dropped to two weeks as an improvement, but I had been putting up with her abuse for 15 years.
I told W that I know she does not think she was being abusive during our fight, but her distancing was very upsetting and very abusive to me. For her avoiding any form of engulfment is what makes her comfortable and secure. So she thinks she was acting appropriately. But I do not think I was doing anything inappropriate because to me, engaging is a comforting action. I do not see it as abusive. So her actions make her 50% responsible for what happened. I was willing to apologize for my 50% only.
C asked what it would take to move forward, since it sounded like we were both willing to apologize. I said part of the problem is that W has not disarmed, she has not spoken to her lawyer who still has her retainer money. W is going on a statement from C long ago that in the event of divorce I would get visitation rights with the kids only 20% of the time. I said this is giving W confidence that a divorce would still be in her favor.
C discussed custody and visitation in Texas. I stated the standard possession order allows a 47/53 split for visitation. C again asked what it would take to move forward. Would I just apologize? I said that as long as W cannot agree on the objective of committing to the marriage, I cannot be sure all this is not a plot to put herself in a better financial position and then file. W admitted that this was her game plan at one point. I said I had no confidence she had truly dropped this plan, and until then I was not going to acknowledge or apologize for anything that could be used against me.
W said she does not know what is meant by committing to the marriage – she said she does not want to put up with more abuse or give in on her boundaries, etc. C corrected her on this, that while she might hate me now or even later, committing meant she would not resort to divorce as an option, that she will stay and work on the marriage, as hard as it may be. I reiterated Saundra’s initial comment to us that reconciliation will not work as long as either person keeps the divorce escape hatch open, and W has kept one foot out the door. C agreed with this.
I said we need to decide on our objective first, then debate how to get there. C agreed. W said she does not know what she wants since I have not apologized. I asked how does my position affect what she wants? Regardless of how she feels toward me, her wants do not change. She may want a loving marriage, with someone, anyone, but how she feels toward me should not change that want. W said she still needed me to acknowledge instigating and continuing the fight. I said I would and that constituted my 50% of the blame. W said she never heard me acknowledge my part of the blame before.
So I partially apologized, though not as much as C wanted. W was silent for a while (she seemed to be trying not to cry), then said she did not think it sounded like an apology. I said I would not accept responsibility for W’s actions and would not apologize for that. I did say, with C’s prompting, that I was sorry for what happened, that things turned out as they did, and for the damage done to the kids. Up to this point I was able to hold myself together and not get upset or yell.
W still had trouble agreeing to commit to the marriage. I then got mad and told her she was still avoiding, deflecting, even lying and not accepting her responsibility. She acted surprised and asked what it was she was doing. I told her that she was again avoiding her issues and her fear, being a chicken [censored] and not wanting to face her own decision, instead throwing it back on me. I told her committing to the marriage meant facing her fears on intimacy and vulnerability. Her other choice was to avoid this option and decide to leave the marriage, but she was too chicken to make that decision. So she tries to deflect the issues back onto me as my fault in order to avoid her choice. I told her that she complains that the issues always come back to her, but that is because she will not make a decision. C agreed that she needs to decide one way or the other but she cannot remain indecisive. C also told her to think about her choice, that on one hand she would get everything she wants, the money, love, caring, a united family. She did not need to make the decision now and could think about it.
I then commented that this is where W needed to make a leap of faith. I explained that I came to this realization myself some time back, after listening to W accuse me of have bad intentions for everything I did. I said that the only way I could have move forward at that time was to make the assumption that everything W did was not out of malice but due to her issues. If W wants to assume the worst, she can create a self fulfilling prophecy, but it was all deflection to put fault on me and give her reason not to confront her choice.
I concluded with mention that she needs to realize that much of what we argue over, especially concerning the kids, will not create much damage one way or the other. For example, whether the kids should be home schooled or not does not have much impact one way or another. The continued arguing is what created the damage. It is how we handle the process and not the end result that hurts the kids and the relationship. Knowing that those objectives really should not create problems, it should be easier to make the leap of faith to commit to the marriage, which in and of itself is a harmless matter.
As we left I reiterated with her and C that the ball is in W’s court and she owes me an answer as to which way she wants to go with the marriage. I recalled the last time we discussed all this W thought the matter was settled and did not realize she had still not answered my question.
